


Secret that should not have been kept.

by Littlebuu_18



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Baby Aden, Character Death, Depression, Doctor Clarke, F/F, Fluff, Girl Penis Lexa, Parent Clarke, Parent Lexa, minor Ranya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:18:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlebuu_18/pseuds/Littlebuu_18
Summary: “They can find substitution for you. It has not to be you. Why you agree to this Clarke?” Lexa heard hesitation in Clarke's voice. She knew that is more story behind blonde's words. “Because I have no choice Lexa. If I had I would be right there with you guys. You are everything to me."orLexa is waiting for her fiancée to come back from her tour. So imagine her surprise when she found out that the love of her life decide otherwise.





	1. I'm not coming back.

“What do you mean you're not coming back?” Lexa couldn't believe what she heard. She was talking with the love of her life. Mother of their child. She was waiting for almost year for Clarke to come home. And now she was telling her she's not coming back? 

“Lexa I'm sorry. You know that I want to come home. To you. To Aden. But there is situation that I can't ignore. I can't just leave them.” She was looking at Lexa in computer screen and hoping that her fiancée understand. She couldn't told Lexa the truth. She really wanted to come home to her family. She would give anything to be with them. 

“So you're leaving us?” The brunette whispered. It supposed to be only one tour. One year. She knew how important that was for Clarke but they have a child now. They supposed to be married when Clarke come back. They had plans and now it's like everything disappear. “It's not just me anymore Clarke. We have a son. I know it is important to you but we are your family. I thought we are the most important thing in the world to you.” 

“It's just another half a year. It's only six months Lex. After that I'm coming back. I promise.” 

“A lot can change in six months. We're suppose to be getting married in three. You have your internship waiting for you in hospital. Aden is counting the days down for your come back. He was so happy that he can see you in two weeks. How am I suppose tell him that you are not coming?” She was looking in those blue eyes with plea that Clarke would change her decision. “We suppose to make that decision together. It's our life. Not only yours.” And in this moment the front door opened. Lexa could hear a cheerful voice of her son. “Tell him what you decided. He must to hear this from you.” The brunette said and turned to her son. 

“Mom we saw a ducks. A lot of them.” He run to his mom. She picked him up and sat him on her laps.

“Look who called us.” Lexa said into his ear and she pointed her finger on laptop. Clarke's eyes teared up when she saw her four year old son. He was so happy and she was going to ruin his happiness. 

“Mommy! I was in park with Auntie Raven. We fed ducks.” He smiled at her and waved to camera. 

“Hi baby. Wow that's sound like so much fun.”

“When do you come home? I miss you so much.” He's been waiting for his mommy for so long. He was so excited when he heard that she's coming soon.

“I miss you too. And I miss your mom. But I can't come home now. I need to stay here a little bit longer.” She couldn't watch how her son's eyes started to watery and a single tear slowly run down his cheek.

“Why? Is that mean you don't love us anymore?” He didn't understand. Lexa tied her arms around his waist and hugged him. She kissed his head. She knew how much Aden missed her mommy. He cried almost every night for Clarke. 

“Oh baby of course not. I love you so so much. I just can't come home yet.” 

“But why?” Raven was in the kitchen. She didn't want to interrupt them. But she couldn't understand either why Clarke was not coming home. When she talked to the blonde last time she was so happy to return home after almost year away from her family.

“Because I… I… I need to help those people here. They're counting on me. I love you sweety and I promise I come back but not right now. You need to wait a little longer.” She couldn't stand watching how her son was sobbing in Lexa's arms. “Please baby don't cry.” Clarke felt awful. She did not want to lie to her family. Especially her son. 

“They can find substitution for you. It has not to be you. Why you agree to this Clarke?” Lexa heard hesitation in Clarke's voice. She knew that is more story behind blonde's words. 

“Because I have no choice Lexa. If I had I would have be right there with you guys. You are everything to me. I'm sorry but I have to go. I love you so much. I call you later. I love you Aden.” 

“I love you mommy.” He said. He snuggled more into Lexa and watched how Clarke's face disappeared from the computer screen. Raven steped in the living room and sat right next to Lexa. She's been there for them since high school. She was like sister to them. They knew everything about each other. 

“How long?” She asked. The shorter brunette knew that it wasn't easy for Lexa. She knew how much strength cost to rise Aden alone for almost a year. She needed to work to give Aden everything he want. That meant he needed to stay with someone else for most of the day. Lexa hadn't has a lot of days off. She helped in every way she could. Babysit Aden when Lexa asked her to. Drunk with her when she needed it. Comforted her when she had a worse day or fight with Clarke. They were best friend since she remembered. Always had each other back. 

“Six months. And I can't get rid of a feeling that she keep something away from me. Like she doesn't tell me everything.” Lexa was always good with reading Clarke. She knew that something was not like supposed to be. She could see right through the blonde. She knew Clarke trusted her. But this time Lexa had a feeling like the blonde was lying to her. “Common Aden let's make dinner. I hope you stay for dinner as well.” She looked at Raven but the latter shake her head.

“Maybe next time. I have a date in...” Raven cheeked time on her watch. “hour and half. I should go and prepare myself.”

“And who is the lucky one?” 

“Your sister.” Raven grinned at Lexa. 

“What? I thought you two slept only one time.” The taller brunette was shocked. More than when she found out that Anya and Raven slept together after Clarke's birthday party last year. But she didn't know that they were dating.

“For your information it was more than just one time. Well look at me. Who could resist me? I'm awesome. Sorry but I have to go now. Bye Lexa. Bye little man.” She ruffled Aden hairs and she left from their house. Lexa and Aden went to the kitchen where they started to prepare dinner for themselves.

“Mom can I cook with you?” He looked at her with his best smile on his face. 

“Of course baby.” She put his apron on his waist. He loved cooking with his mom. She even bought him his own little apron with his name on it. “What do you want for dinner?” She looked at him and immediately knew his answer.

“Mac n Cheese” It was his favorite dish just like Clarke's. She just smiled at him and nodded her head. They started making mac n cheese. Aden was very helpful and gave Lexa every product she needed. After dinner they sat on the couch watching some disney movies. Two hour later she felt weight on her laps. She looked down and saw his son who fast asleep during the movie. She gently lifted him up and carried to his room. She kissed his head goodnight and left little boy's bedroom. 

She was so exhausted today. She didn't except to found out that the girl she was waiting for so long is not coming back. Not until the next six months. But she loved her. She couldn't gave up from her. Not after everything they've been through. After a long and hot bath she lie down in her bed. She turned on her side and looked at photo which were on her nightstand. Photo of her, Clarke and one year Aden. They were so happy. She remembered the day when that photo has been taken. It was their son's first birthday. They threw a birthday party for him and invited all of their friends and family. Octavia bought them a new camera and insisted that this is the perfect gift. From now on they could keep every memory on paper. And this picture it was the first one which has been taken by this camera. Lexa was thinking about how she survived another six months without Clarke by her side. Little did she know that the blonde might never come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic.  
> English is not my native language so sorry for every mistake. Feel free to correct me.
> 
> Let me know if you like it and I will continue this story.  
> Next chapters should be longer than the first.
> 
> Have a nice day everyone :)


	2. Happy memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some flashbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestion or ask some questions you can check out my tumblr and give me a message. tumblr.com/blog/littlebuu18

_5 years earlier._

_Lexa stood at the airport waiting for the blonde to appear. She didn't see her girlfriend in ten months. They had three months for themselves before Clarke went on another tour. She knew that Clarke would wanted to go on a second tour. As much as she hated being away from her she didn't want to stay on the way of the blonde dreams. She loved her so much that she knew she could survive them being apart. They called each other minimum three times in week, sometimes more. They texted and skyped. When she couldn't reach to Clarke she was occupied with her work. She recently opened a gym and she run it with Anya. The business went very good so far. She loved to be in shape and work out so she was glad she can connected her work with hobby._

_When she saw a flash of the blonde hair behind the glass where the plane's passengers started to appear she grinned like stupid lovesick teenager. And she felt like one too. She couldn't control a joy and happiness fro the sight of her lovely girlfriend. She missed her like crazy and when Clarke claimed her luggage and she saw the brunette waiting patiently for her she run straight to Lexa and jump on her. Arms embraced Lexa's neck and legs her waist. The brunette didn't flinch. She didn't waved. She was strong enough to hold her. Lexa buried her head in blonde's neck. She breathed in her scent._

_“I've missed you so much.” Lexa heard the word being whispered in her ear. She smiled widely and kissed the blonde's neck._

_“I've missed you too.” She tilted her head to kissed properly Clarke and smiled when the blonde reciprocated sweet kiss._

_“Let's go home. I want you only for myself.” When Clarke was on her feet she grabbed Lexa's hand and laced their fingers together. They went to the car. Lexa took the driver seat and Clarke sat next to her. The drive was quiet but it didn't bother Lexa or Clarke. They just let themselves be. They were finally reunited and enjoying each other company._

_When the door closed Lexa was pushed against it and she felt Clarke's lips on hers in heated kiss. She was surprised but she didn't complain. Her hands traveled under the blonde's shirt. When cold fingers touched warm skin Clarke's shivered a little. She deepened kiss. She licked Lexa's bottom lip asked for permission which Lexa gladly granted. Their tongues join together in passionately dance. They have time. They didn't need to rush anything. Clarke's hands slipped in brunette's hair. After a while Lexa picked Clarke up and started to go towards their bedroom. She gently lie blonde on the bed and slipped on top of her. The blonde started unbutton Lexa's flannel. The brunette gave her arms back and let the flannel slipped down onto floor. She unhooked her bra and tossed it next to flannel. She found Clarke's lips again and started to play of the hem of Clarke's shirt. She pulled it up and took off over Clarke's head. Her lips traced a way from Clarke's jaw to her breast. She unhooked the blonde's bra and tossed it on the floor. She wanted to cherish Clarke's body the way it deserved to be. And it's exactly what she did that night._

_3 weeks after._

_“Oh my God.” Clarke sat in bathroom and looked at her hands where she held pregnancy test. Lexa was in work so she was alone, good. There were two red stripes. She was desperately waiting to one disappear but it never happened. She couldn't believe how this happened. They always used protection. And then when it hit her. That night when she came back from her tour. They were together and Lexa didn't use condom. They were so caught up in being with each other that they forgot about protection. How they could be so stupid. But it happened. She was pregnant. She was with Lexa 3 years officially. They talked about their future but neither of them want a kid now. Of course they wanted have one or two but that was supposed to happen when Clarke finished her internship. She have another tour with Doctors without borders to go. She wanted to go but now it wasn't a option. She knew that. She didn't know how to tell Lexa. She didn't know if she will be happy or not. Clarke wasn't too happy about her pregnancy but she wanted to keep this child._

_She looked at the time. It was past fife pm. Lexa should have been home soon. She made dinner in case Lexa was in a bad mood. She knew she need to tell Lexa about pregnancy but she was so nervous to do so. When she heard the lock was turning and the door was wide open she froze. Lexa was home and the talk was closer than she wanted it to be. She came out of the kitchen and looked at the brunette. She was smiling which is good. She had a good day._

_“Hey babe.” Clarke walked over to Lexa and pecked her lips. “I made dinner for you.” Lexa rose her eyebrow and smirked._

_“And the kitchen stand still?” She laughed._

_“Ha ha. Very funny.” Clarke rolled her eyes and went back to the kitchen. “If you don't want to you don't have to eat. But I made your favorite.” She said and a few second later she felt an arms clasped around her waist from behind and she smiled to herself when she felt soft lips on her neck._

_“Of course I eat. Thank you.” The brunette said and placed another soft kiss on the blonde neck. She washed her hands and they started to eat dinner. Lexa looked at Clarke and frowned her eyebrows. The blonde seemed tense and nervous. “Is everything okay?”_

_“Hm? Yeah… of course. Why wouldn't be?”_

_“You seem nervous. So… is everything okay?” She watched Clarke took a deep breath._

_“Actually no. We need to talk.”_

_Lexa had been taken aback by this statement but nodded her head. She washed dirty plates after dinner and when they sat on the couch she looked Clarke in the eyes. She waited patiently for her to start. With every passing minute she became more and more tense. She waited for Clarke to tell her that she going back to Africa. That she got call and she was needed on another continent. She didn't know if she could deal with another year being away from the blonde especially when the latter was here such a short time. They had been together again only couple of weeks. She took Clarke's hand and squeezed gently._

_“Clarke?”_

_“I'm pregnant.” Her voice was barely a whisper but she knew that Lexa could hear it._

_“Uff… I was afraid you have to… Wait. What?” The brunette looked at her in confusion. Did she just… Did she just tell her that she was pregnant. No… It's not possible. They use protection._

_“I'm pregnant Lexa.” She told more confident. Lexa was speechless. She could told from the look on her face that she tried to process the blonde's words. She waited for some reaction, for reassurance she would be here with her. That she helped her raise their child._

_“Are you sure?” Maybe Clarke was mistaken. Maybe she wasn't pregnant after all._

_“I took three different pregnancy tests. I'm one hundred percent sure.” Lexa took loud breath. She sighed. So Clarke was really pregnant. What did they do now? How they handled this? Clarke supposed to go on another tour._

_“You want to keep this child?” She asked afraid what she might heard I respond._

_“Yes. Do you?” Clarke was sure she wanted to keep this baby._

_“Yeah. What about the program?” She knew Clarke wanted to go to another tour but now it wasn't such a good idea. She hoped that the blonde stayed._

_“I'm not going obviously. You and this child is more important. I can't go for another year being pregnant. I'm staying.” She was so relieved hearing this. She nodded her head and squeezed Clarke's hand again._

_“Okay. So… we're doing this? We will rise this baby together.” Lexa didn't know if she's happy but she was still in shock. She had been told that the chances to have a baby was very low._

_“We're doing this.” Clarke smiled softly. She was so happy that Lexa reacted this way. But she knew the brunette wanted to be a better parent for her child than her own parents. Lexa cupped Clarke's cheeks and place a soft kiss on her lips._

_“We're gonna have a child.” She smiled widely and took Clarke's in her arms. She was happy now. She had an amazing girlfriend and soon her child would be born. She had a family now. Family she never had._

_“Yes we are.” Clarke buried her head in the crock of Lexa's neck. They were gonna be a family. She couldn't be more happier in this moment. She was in Lexa's arms and she felt like home. Lexa was home._

Lexa smiled at this memories. She couldn't believe that Aden would be 5 in two months. She also couldn't believe that Clarke wasn't be there. She knew her son would be very sad that his mommy's gonna miss his birthday. But now she couldn't do anything about it. Lexa really wanted to know why Clarke chose to stay there. What she meant when she said she didn't have a choice. You always had a choice. And this was what confused her the most. She shook her head and knocked on Octavia's door. She was after work and she needed pick up her son. When the younger brunette opened she smiled.  
“Hey O! Did he behaved?” She asked because she knew Aden sometimes caused some problems. 

“Yeah, but he is a little feverish. He slept a lot today. I gave him something to lower his fever a couple of minutes ago. So everything is under control.” When Lexa heard about her son's fever immediately she went to see him. He slept on the couch and had a little red cheeks. 

“Thanks Octavia. Okay… I'm gonna take him home. Thank you again for watching him. I owe you.” She picked him up and exchanged goodbye's with Octavia and drove home. 

When she got home she put Aden in her bed. She wanted to have him in her bed for the night in case something happened. In moment like this she wished Clarke was here. Aden wasn't kind of child who was sick much. So when he did he usually was very grumpy. Just like Clarke. She wanted to wait for his fever to lower over the night but in case it didn't she decided she would take him to hospital tomorrow morning.


	3. Beginning of the storm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy it. :)

Aden was fidgety over the night. Lexa didn't sleep much. She tried to calm him down. In the morning she placed her hand on his forehead to check his fever. He was a little warm. She went to the kitchen and took the thermometer. When she came back to the bedroom she gently lifted his arm and placed the device under his armpit. When the cold thermometer touched his warm skin Aden woke up a little.

“Mom it's cold. I don't want it.” He murmured and looked with sleepy eyes at Lexa.

“I know baby but I have to check your fever. It will only take a moment and then you can go back to sleep.” When the device let out a sound she took it out and checked the number on the tiny screen, 100ºF . Lexa sighed. He had a little fever but not to much. She kissed his forehead and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. She made his favorite chocolate chip pancakes. She came back to her bedroom and saw that Aden was fully awake. “Hey little man. How are you feeling?”

“My tummy hurts.” She sat right beside him and gently stroked his stomach. Lexa decided to give him some of the medicine Clarke always gave him. And if it didn't help she would call Abby. She would know what to do. She picked him up and Aden buried his head in his mom's neck and held her shirt firmly in his tiny hands.

“I’ll give you some medicine for you tummy okay? And then we can eat pancakes. How about that?” She stoked his back.

“Chocolate chip pancakes?” He asked and looked up at his mom.

“Of course Monkey.”

“Then okay.” She took him to the kitchen and sat him on his chair. She gave him the medicine and a plate with some pancakes. He didn't eat much when he was sick but Lexa hoped that he would eat some pancakes. He only ate one and looked at her. “I can't anymore.”

“Try to eat some more. Please baby.”

“But I don't want to.”

“Aden please. You are sick and you must eat.” She knew Aden would be grumpy.

“No. Mommy never tells me to eat when I don't want to. I want mommy.” He started to cry. Lexa sighed and took him on her laps.

“How about we call mommy?” When he nodded his head she took out her phone and dialed Clarke's number. She waited and waited.

“You've reached Dr. Clarke Griffin. I'm sorry but I can't talk right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.” When the beep sound had been heard she took a deep breath. She knew that Clarke was probably sleeping or on night shift but she was still a little angry.

“Hey Clarke. If you listen to this please call back. Aden is sick and he wants to talk to you.” She hung up and looked at Aden. “Mommy can't talk right now. But she will call us soon okay?”

“No! I want her now!” He started crying again but this time it was louder. She held him in her arms and tried to calm him down. She cursed Clarke in her head because she was supposed to be here with them. She hoped Clarke really would call them soon. Lexa kissed Aden's head and held him close. After a couple of minutes he tired himself out and fell asleep. She laid him down on the couch and sat next to him.

She called Lincoln and let him know that she wouldn’t be going to the gym today. She wanted to stay with her son. Lexa put a blanket on Aden's body and started to read a book. One hand held the book while the other stroke her son's hair. After an hour or so her phone rang. She answered without looking at the screen.

“Hello?”

“Lexa? Hey. I'm sorry that I didn't answer earlier but I was in surgery. How is he?” She heard the genuine concern in the blonde's voice. She was happy that she had called back.

“He has a stomach ache and a little fever. I gave him some medicine but I don't know if it helps. He didn't eat much. Also he wanted you and cried a lot. Now he’s asleep but I think that I can wake him up so he can talk to you. He slept for over an hour so...” Lexa gently shook him and talked quietly. “Aden, sweety. Wake up. Mommy called us. She wants to talk to you.” When the little boy heard that his mommy called he shoot his eyes wide open and reached for the phone.

“Mommy?” Clarke smiled at her son's voice. She missed him so much. And she hated being away from him when he was sick.

“Hey baby. I heard that you are sick. How are you feeling?”

“Please come back. My tummy hurts and you know how to make it stop.”

“I will when I can. For now you need to listen to your mom. She gave you medicine that should help.”

“But it's not yummy!” Aden didn't like any medicine. But hey, who does? “Please mommy come back.”

“You know I can't sweety.” Clarke hated being in that position. Of course she wanted to be with her son. But she couldn't come back home.

“But why? I want you to be here. With me. With mom.”

“I know honey. I want to be there as well but I can't.” She heard how her son's voice became more and more tearful.

“Mommy please! Come home. Please.” Aden started crying again. He snuggled into Lexa. She took the phone from him.

“Clarke? I'm sorry. You know how he can be when he is sick.”

“Don't apologize. He is right, I should be with you guys.”

“Then why do you stay there? Why can't you come home?” Lexa really wanted to understand but if Clarke didn't speak to her honestly she couldn't make excuses for her.

“I can't tell you. Please. It's hard enough as it is. I don't want to argue.”

“Then tell me what the hell is going on. You can't tell me? Really? Since when? Since when do you keep secrets from me?” Lexa became more and more angry.

“Lexa please…”

“No Clarke. I know you had to go on a tour after you lost your father. I knew you needed to feel useful again so I let you go on that tour. I knew it was hard for you to leave Aden and me but extending your tour was your own decision. You didn't let me think about it. You didn't explain. You didn't want to make that choice together. So no Clarke. I will not be hearing your lame excuses.” She knew she was harsh on Clarke but she was so angry that the blonde lied to her. She looked at her son. He had calmed down and he was lying on top of her.

“Lexa I can't tell you”

“You can. You just don't want to.”

“It's not true.”

“Then tell me the truth!” She raised her voice too loud and Aden got scared and looked at her. “I'm sorry baby, I didn't want to scare you.” She kissed his cheek. He laid his head back on her chest.

“I can't!”

“That's the thing Clarke. You can. So why don't you?”

“Because…”

“Because? Really? Okay, you know what? I'm done.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“What you heard. Unless you tell me why you can't come back. So? What would it be?”

“Lexa I'm sorry...” Clarke's voice wasn't more than a whisper. She heard Lexa sigh. Lexa's voice was so quiet.

“I'm sorry too. Goodbye Clarke.” She hung up not waiting for the blonde’s response. She tossed her phone to the other end of the couch.

“Can we watch TV?” She heard her son's voice.

“Of course baby. How is your tummy? Still hurts?” She hugged him.

“Not that much.” The brunette kissed his head and pulled a blanket on them before turning on the TV. They watched some disney movies and that was the way they spent their day. Little did they know that this day was only the beginning of the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for kudos and for comments. It keeps me motivated. 
> 
> The next chapter will take me a while to write so you must be patient. 
> 
> Go and check out my tumblr if you have any question.
> 
> Have a nice day everyone. :)


	4. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed a little bit the direction of this story. That's why I could post it. Enjoy it.

After couple of days Aden was in good shape. He was in a good mood again. He laughed a lot which was a good sign. Lexa was happy that her son finally felt better. She didn't talk too much with Clarke. She only gave her informations about Aden's health. They didn't talk like they used to. Lexa didn't ask how the blonde's day was going. Of course Clarke tried to apologize again but Lexa didn't wanted to hear it. Unless the blonde confessed, which she didn't do. It was hard for the both of them.

Lexa was in her office. She had to fill in some papers. It was a tough day. She needed to buy some new equipment and it required paperwork. She hated it but she had to do it. She was half way through it when her phone rang. She quickly looked at the screen. Raven was calling. Lexa sighed. She didn't like when someone was bothering her during work. But Raven was babysitting Aden so she knew she needed to answer it.

“Yes, Raven?”

“Hello to you to Lexa. I hope you have an amazing day today.” Raven was being nice. Too nice. Lexa knew something had happened.

“What did you do?”

“Me? Nothing. I feel offended that you think I did something.”

“You are never nice. So? What happened?”

“You know… Me and Aden were building a tree house in the backyard. We had such a great time until...” Raven hesitated. She knew Lexa would be furious. She was already dead.

“Until what? Raven is Aden okay?” Lexa became more and more concerned. She heard in the background that Raven wasn't home. “Raven where are you? Where is my son?” She started slowly raising her voice.

“You have nothing to worry about. It's nothing too serious. He might have, kind of fallen of the tree and broken his arm.” The last three words were said very quietly.

“He what?!” She was yelling now at her best friend. “Which hospital are you in? I'm on my way.” Lexa grabbed her jacket and stormed off her office. “Lincoln I gotta go. Can you handle everything?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He answered and went back to his duties.

“Lexa you don't have to come here. Everything is under control. I just wanted to give you a heads up before you come home.” Raven sounded nervous.

“Yeah, I see how you have everything under control. I'll be there in ten.” She hung up and drove to the hospital. The minute she crossed the front door she approached the receptionist desk. “Hello, my name is Lexa Woods. I'm looking for my son. Aden Woods?” Lexa was very worried and that could be heard in her voice.

“Give me a second.” The nurse searched Aden's name in the computer and gave her a genuine smile. “He is in room 214. It's on the second floor and forth door to the left of the elevator.”

“Thank you.” She went straight to the elevator and two minutes after she entered Aden's room. She looked murderously at Raven. She shifted her gaze to Aden. “Hey buddy. Are you okay?” She sat next to him.

“Hey mom. Look I have a green cast.” He smiled widely at her. He didn't mind having a broken arm if he could wear an awesome colorful cast. He was four. What could she expect? “You can write on it.”

“Yeah it's pretty awesome. I'll sign it a little later okay?” She reciprocated his smile. But it didn't reduce her worries. He nodded his head at her question. “So who is gonna tell me what happened?”

“Me and Aunt Raven have build a tree house. It is huge and so awesome.” He started to tell Lexa how he helped Raven to hammer nails.

“Raven are you out of your mind? Nails? With a four year old boy?” Now Lexa was furious. Why was Raven so stupid sometimes.

“Hey easy there tiger. He didn't do anything. I'm not that stupid. He only gave me the nails.” Lexa sighed.

“I'm going to talk to the doctor so please behave. Both of you.” She looked at Raven and after that at Aden.

“Yes mom.” They said both in unison.

Lexa exited the room and looked for a doctor. She found the doctor's office and knocked. After she heard permission she entered the office.

“How can I help you?” The doctor said and he pointed to a chair across from him.

“Hi. I'm Lexa Woods. I would like to know more about my son's condition. Aden Woods.” She sat on the chair and looked directly at the male doctor.

“Oh yes. He has a broken arm. It's a simple break so he has to wear a cast for six weeks. But when we performed a routine examination we could hear heart murmurs. It's common but they were loud ones and that's why we were concerned. It could be nothing serious but we want to perform a detailed examination. But before we do it I need to ask you some questions.”

When she heard “but” she froze. She wasn't prepared for that. Even when the doctor said that it could be nothing serious she still had a bad feeling. Everything was not like it was supposed to be. It was a really bad week for all of them. She nodded and waited for his first question.

“Do your son tire out faster than he should? I mean with simple things like running, walking up the stairs, playing?” Lexa needed to think and remember if she had noticed something. She couldn't recall any of this. He was a normal kid. Of course when he was running too much he was tired. But was he tired any more than he should be? She didn't know. That's why she needed Clarke. She was a doctor. She could answer that question. She would know what the doctor had in mind.

“I… I don't know.” She said quietly.

“It's okay. It's difficult to observe. Let me rephrase this. When he is running for less that ten minutes does he seem more tired than he should? When he is walking uphill does he need to take more than a few stops?”

“He is four year old. Of course he tires out quickly. How is this relevant?” She didn't know why he was asking that. She knew in her guts that it was nothing good.

“Because we suspect a heart defect. When he was little did he have idiopathic apnea?” When she heard the first sentence her whole world collapsed. Did he just say that her son could have a heart disease? No this couldn't be happening. This was not happening. She blinked rapidly a couple of times and cleared her throat.

“Um… Yeah, he had a few times. But Clarke told me that was normal. She examined him and she didn't say anything about heart murmurs.” She was terrified now. She didn't know anything about it. It was Clarke's job.

“Yes. It's very normal and that's why it's hard to diagnose. Everybody has heart murmurs but when a person is healthy it's very quiet. When we hear quiet noises around the heart that means that it is working. That the blood flow is normal. But with your son it's slightly different. The noises are louder than they should.” The doctor saw how Lexa's face expression dropped. “Mrs Woods. I could be wrong. It doesn't mean that something is wrong. That's why I suggested to perform a detailed examination.” He offered her a small smile. He knew that when parents heard about the possibility of their child having a disease it was hard to calm them down.

“Okay. Do it. Can I stay with him? I mean during the examination?” She didn't want to leave her son. She wanted to be with him at all times. Nothing mattered but Aden.

“Of course. I don't see why not.” He smiled at her. “You can go to your son now. That's all I have for you for now.”

“Okay, thank you for the information.” She nodded and then went to her son. She was shaken. She didn't know what to do now. _It could be nothing. Lexa don't freak out._ She thought. The brunette pulled out her phone and dialed Clarke's number. She needed to hear her voice even if she was angry at her.

“You've reached Dr. Clarke Griffin. I can't tal...” She hung up. Of course Clarke would be busy. She always was busy when she needed her. She tried calling her two more times but it was the same result. Voice mail. She sighed and entered Aden's room. She looked at him and sat beside him.

“Mom? Can we go home now?” He looked at her with plea and snuggled into her.

“Not yet baby. The doctors need to do another examination. But I will be with you all the time, okay monkey?” She kissed his head and looked at Raven. The other brunette could see fear in Lexa's eyes.

“Lex what is it? He only has a broken arm. It'll be fine.” She tried to comfort her friend but she didn't understand why they needed to do another examination.

“He told me that he has heart murmurs, whatever it is, much louder that he should. And he suspects a heart defect. I don't know what to do. And I need Clarke but she isn't picking her fucking phone.” She had never been so scared in her entire life. Actually no. She had been more scared once.

_4 years earlier_

_Lexa was laying with Clarke in their bed. Aden was between them. He looked so peaceful. It was his second day in their house. He had his own bedroom across their own but they wanted to have him over night with them. Lexa smiled at Clarke and leaned to kiss her. It was soft kiss but conveyed everything what Lexa was feeling right now. Love, devotion, happiness, fear. Everything._

_“We have a beautiful son. I can't believe we are parents.” She smiled at her son who was asleep._

_“Yeah. He is amazing.” Clarke was so happy. She had never seeen herself as a mother but with Lexa she knew she could do it. They could raise him together. They were a family. She looked how Lexa leaned down to kiss her son's forehead._

_“Clarke! He's not breathing. Oh my God. He's not breathing!” She yelled. She looked at Clarke terrified. Tears streaked down her cheeks. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't loose him. Not after two days. And then Clarke took him by his feet. And hit his back. Not to strong but hard enough. The small boy started crying and also breathing. Clarke hugged him and held him closed. She started to calm him down. She looked at a shaken Lexa._

_“Hey. Babe it's okay. It's normal. Sometimes it's happens. He's okay now.” She grabbed one of Lexa's hand and squeezed. “Lexa. Look at me. Hey, Lex” She squeezed her hand one more time but this time harder. Lexa snapped back and looked at Clarke. “It's okay. He's okay.”_

_“But he wasn't breathing.” She said quietly._

_“I know. But he is now. Please don't cry. It's okay now.” She kissed Lexa on the cheek and looked at their son. “Look he is okay.” Lexa looked at her son. He creased his cheek. Her son was okay. He was breathing again. He was okay._

Yep, that was definitely the most terrifying moment of her entire life. Raven had called Abby and Lexa was so grateful for that. If anybody could convince her not to worry it was Abby. She was a doctor. Lexa trusted her and her opinion. 

“Thank you Raven for being here. Thanks for handling this.” Lexa knew she could always count on her best friend.

“Don't mention it. I can stay with you guys.” Lexa shook her head.

“No, go home. I can take it from here. I'll call you later.” She hugged Raven and whispered another thank you. Raven ruffled Aden's hair.

“Take care buddy. I'll see you soon.”

“Bye Auntie Raven.” He smiled at her. Raven hugged Lexa again and exited the room.

After a ten maybe fifteen minutes wait a nurse entered the room with two devices on wheels. The first one was a device to perform a EKG which could give quick results and the other was for an echocardiography which was a sonogram of the heart.

“Doctor Kane will come in a little while. He will do an echocardiography and I will do the EKG.” The nurse smiled a little. She moved the device closer and looked at Aden.

“Mom I'm scared.” He looked at his mother with watery eyes.

“It's okay baby. I will be here the entire time. I'm not going to leave you okay?” She kissed his forehead and winked at him to calm him down a little.

“Hey buddy. It's going to be painless. You don't need to be scared. We have a couple colorful electrodes. I'm gonna attach them to your chest okay?” She gave him one of them so he could see that it was nothing to worry about. He watched it precisely and nodded his head. “Do you know colors?”

“Yeah, me and my mommy do a lot of pictures.” He smiled widely completely forgetting about his fear.

“Really? That's awesome. So can you teach me what those colors are?” Lexa was grateful that the nurse was so nice to him and tried to keep his mind occupied.

“You don't know them?” He said with wide eyes.

“Not really, but it will be our secret okay?” She looked at him and winked. He nodded and smiled at her and when she started to attach every electrodes to his body he named the color of each of them. After a few minutes the EKG was over and the record of the device was printed. She pulled off every electrodes and smiled at the little boy. “It wasn't that bad huh?” He shook his head and reciprocated her smile. The doctor entered the room and looked at the printed record of the EKG and hummed.

“There are little differences but nothing beyond the norm.” He smiled at Aden and sat on the chair next to him. “Hey champ. How are you feeling? Does your arm hurt?” The blonde boy shook his head. “That's good. I'll take a look at you now okay?”

“Do you have to?” He saw the huge device and took his mother's hand. Lexa smiled at him and squeezed his hand gently to gave him some courage.

“I think I do, but hey you can check if it hurts okay?” Doctor gave him the knob. “Try to run over your stomach.” When Aden did as he had been told he looked back at the doctor. “Does it hurt?”

“No.”

“So can I do it?”

“Yeah.” Little boy gave the knob to the doctor and took again his mother's hand.

“I'll put some gel on this so I can see your heart okay? It will be a bit cold.” The doctor started his examination. He looked at his heart from every angle. “You hear that?” He asked and the room filled with sound of a pumping heart. Aden nodded. “It's your heart beating. Pretty fast don't you think?”

“It's my heart? I don't see it.” The little boy was curious.

“Here.” Doctor pointer at shadow on a screen. “Do you see it now?”

“Yeah. But it looks strange. It's not what I draw with my mommy.” He didn't understand why it looked different. The doctor only laughed. He gave Lexa some paper to wipe the gel from Aden's chest.

“So everything looks normal. The blood flow is okay. The size of the heart is also normal. It's safe to say I was wrong. Everything is good. And you have a very healthy boy.” When Lexa heard it she breathed a sigh of relief. She had been so scared but she was happy that everything was good.

“Thank you.” She smiled at the doctor and looked at her son. “You were very brave.”

“And for the brave patients we have an award.” He took a lollipop from his pocket and gave it to Aden.

“Can you open it?” He looked at Lexa. She nodded and opened it for him.

“Okay Aden. It is time to go home.” He climbed down the bed. “Thank you again.” She smiled at the doctor and she and Aden left the room. In the hallway they bumped into Abby. Lexa told her that everything was fine.

“Thank God. I was so worried.” Abby hugged her grandson and smiled at him. She moved her gaze on to Lexa. “You look exhausted. I could come with you and make you dinner. I can take care of Aden while you rest okay?”

“Thanks Abby.” She was glad that Abby was here. The emotions after today's events slowly started to drop. She felt how exhaustion took control of her body. Aden and Abby started to go in the car and Lexa was walking behind him. When she was crossing the hospital entrance she bumped into someone. She looked up.

“I'm sorry. Are you… Wells?” She was surprised. He was supposed to be with Clarke in Africa.

“Hey Lexa.” He hugged her.

“When did you come back?”

“Two weeks ago. We all did.”

“All? You mean Clarke came back too? She didn't extend her tour?” She didn't know if she wanted to hear the answer. She knew what he was going to say and her heart was beating so fast that she was afraid that it might fell out of her chest.

“No. Clarke is in the country.” Her heart dropped. She froze. That was what she feared the most. This was a really bad day. She felt tears coming to her eyes and threatening to fall. “You didn't know?”

“No… I'm sorry Wells but I have to go.” She couldn't be here. She walked fast to her car where Abby and Aden were standing. When she approached them she opened the car and Aden got in.

“Lexa. Are you okay?” She had hoped that Abby didn't see anything but she was wrong. Abby saw how her facial expression had changed. And not in a good way.

“Yeah. I just wanna lie down.” Abby nodded. They both got into the car and drove home. When Lexa entered her bedroom she lied down on the bed and buried her head in the pillows. She started crying and her whole body was shaking. She didn't understand why Clarke was lying. Her heart had broken into thousands of pieces when she had heard those five words.

_Clarke was in the country._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think about it? 
> 
> And yes. My first idea was to make Aden sick and put Clakre into position when she had to choose but a lot of you don't want to Aden to be sick so that's why I changed it a little bit. 
> 
> As always you can check out my tumblr if you want to ask some question.
> 
> Thank you guys for all the kudos and comments. 
> 
> See ya next time. :)


	5. Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There is mention depression and character death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank Cleo for helping me with this chapter. 
> 
> Hope you like it. Enjoy.

_One and half year earlier._

_Clarke was exiting Aden's room after putting him to sleep when her phone rang. She checked the caller ID. It was her dad. She smiled at herself and answered the call._

_“Hey Dad. What's up?”_

_“Hello my favorite daughter.” Clarke rolled her eyes._

_“I'm your only daughter, dad.” She chuckled._

_“Yeah, but that doesn't mean your my favorite. Anyway, I was drinking and can't really drive. Can you pick me up?”Your mother has work so she can't do it.”_

_“Yeah, sure. Where are you?”_

_“I'm at Kane's. We celebrate his promotion.”_

_“Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes.”_

_“Thanks, I knew you are my favorite.”_

_“Yeah, yeah. See you later.” She laughed and hang up. She took her keys and went to the living room where Lexa was. “Babe, I'm gonna pick my dad up. I'll be in an hour.”_

_“Okay. I'll be waiting. Love you.” Lexa stepped a bit closer and kissed her. The blonde smiled._

_“I love you too.” One more kiss and Clarke was outside the house. She got in her car and drove off. About fifteen minutes later she was outside Kane's house. She walked to the door and knocked._

_“Clarkey.” Her uncle appeared in the door frame. She smiled at him and entered the house. “Congratulation on your promotion.” She hugged him and walked in. She looked at his father who was busy with watching some game._

_“Dad, I'm here. Come on.” He looked at her and grinned._

_“My favorite daughter!”_

_“Yeah Dad, we established this earlier.” She looked at her father and then at her uncle. “How much did you two drink?” They both looked so drunk._

_“Not much. But don't tell your mother.” He was trying to be serious and that looked so hilarious Clarke started laughing._

_“Okay, okay. My mouth is shut.” She looked at his father again. “Now, are you ready to go?” He nodded. She helped him get up and walked him to her car. She said goodbye to Kane and got in the driver seat. The drive was filled with easy talk._

_The road was empty so she speed up a little. And that was the wrong decision. In that moment the car which was driving from the opposite direction suddenly turn on the Clarke's lane._

_“Clarke watch out!” Her father yelled. She tried turning but it was too late. The last thing she saw was two lights that flashed before her eyes._

_Both car had been going too fast. The impact was so strong. Jake took most of the hit. The car flipped a couple of times. Airbags shot and they immediately lost consciousness. When Clarke woke up she heard whistling in her ears from the impact. She felt agonizing pain in her body. She looked at passenger seat. The scene was terrifying. His head was covered in blood. A piece of metal was stuck in his side. Bits of glass from the windows were everywhere. He wasn't moving, he wasn't breathing._

_“Dad!” She touched his arm. “Dad please wake up!” She tried to unfasten the belt but she screamed when she tried to move her left arm. Clarke raised her right arm to check her father's pulse. She couldn't feel it. No, no, no it isn't happening. She thought. “Dad! Come on… Open your eyes! Don't do this to me!” She yelled at him. She couldn't lost her father. “What have I done?” Clarke whispered to herself. She tried to wake him up although she knew it wouldn't work. He wasn't going to wake up. But she tried anyway. “No, no, no… Please dad open your eyes! Wake up!” Tears begun run down her cheeks. Her entire life crushed. In the distance she could hear the sirens of an ambulance. Her head was pounding and she felt like it was about to explode. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry...” She repeated that over and over again. She held his father's hand until paramedics took her outside of the car. She was shaking. Her whole body was in pain. But she kept repeating this two word over and over. They sedated her and she fell into unconsciousness. When she got to the hospital she was immediately taken on surgery._

_When she woke up first person she saw was Lexa. She was sitting beside her bed and holding Clarke's hand. Her eyes were closed so the blonde thought she was asleep. She tried to not move too much. She didn't want to wake her up. She just looked at her and she was so grateful that her girlfriend was here. And then, out of nowhere everything hit her. Her father was dead. She had killed him. She felt like something heavy was on her chest. She couldn't catch her breath. She squeezed Lexa's hand hard and that's when the brunette woke up. The monitor above Clarke's bed started to make some loud noises. Lexa saw how Clarke struggled to breathe. She sat on the bed and Clarke felt strong arms embracing her._

_“Shh… it's okay. You're safe. I'm here.” Lexa tried to calm her down. She needed her to breathe properly again. She was drawing smoothing circles over her back. She knew that Clarke was having a panic attack. “Count with me… one, two, three...” The blonde started to counting with her and after a few minutes she started to breathe normally. “I've got you.”_

_“I killed him.” Clarke whispered and buried her face in Lexa's neck. She let herself be held. She was crying. She felt disgust toward herself. She didn't know why she was alive and her father wasn't. He didn't deserve to die like that._

_“No Clarke. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident.” Lexa didn't want Clarke to blame herself. She couldn't see that coming. It wasn't her fault._

_“We both know it's not true. I'm the one who was driving. It was my fault” Her father wasn't the only one who had died. The other driver hadn't survive the accident either._

_Two hours later Abby walked into the room. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her daughter wasn't asleep. She noticed Lexa wasn't in the room. She had needed to go and take care of Aden. It was one in the morning. Aden didn't wake up in the middle of the night anymore so she knew it must have been an emergency if Lexa needed to go to him. Abby took Lexa's chair and looked at her daughter._

_“How are you feeling?” She checked Clarke's chart. “You have a broken arm and you had internal bleeding that's why they took you to surgery. You should be okay now.”_

_“Mom, I'm sorry.” Clarke didn't look at her mother. She couldn't._

_“How are you feeling?” Abby repeated the question._

_“Good, I think.”_

_“Are you in pain?”_

_“Nothing I can't handle”_

_“Are you sure? I could give you something for the pain.”_

_“No mom. There's no need…” Clarke looked at her mother but she didn't look at her in the eyes. “I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen”_

_“Stop. Please.”_

_“But it was my fault. I tried to avoid the other car. But it was too late. I couldn't save him. I tried but he-”_

_“Clarke please stop! I don't want to hear it. I can't… please.” It was so hard for Abby. Her beloved husband was dead. She couldn't hear it. It was too much._

_“Mom… I'm sorry.” Clarke tried to keep her tears at bay. “I'm sorry.” She whispered. Abby couldn't handle this. She left the room. It was so hard for her to look at her daughter in that state and not to break down herself. But Clarke saw this differently. When her mother left without any words, without any explanations, she thought that her mother blamed her for what happened. Her own mother blamed her for her father's death and she wasn't even surprised. She blamed herself as well. She was responsible for this. She started crying so strong that the nurse who entered the room needed to sedate her._

_They went on the funeral two days after Clarke had been released from hospital. Clarke stood in the first row with her mother, Lexa and Aden. She watched like a coffin disappeared into the ground. She couldn't stand here much longer. She couldn't bear to be here. She couldn't do it. She let go of Lexa's hand and she run. She didn't know where she was running but she run anyway. She heard Lexa's voice behind her. The brunette was calling her. But she didn't stop. After a while Clarke felt two arms around her waist. She started crying in Lexa's arms._

_“I can't back there.” the blonde whispered._

_“You don't have to.” Lexa's fingers rubbed circles on Clarke's back. She held her in her arms and whispered soothing words in her ear. Even when Clarke had calm down Lexa didn't release the blonde from her arms._

_“Can we go home?” Lexa nodded. Clarke looked around. “Where is Aden? Oh my God… Aden!” She started screaming his name._

_“Clarke stop. He is with your mother. He is safe.” She held Clarke close. But it was like Clarke didn't hear any of her words. She tried to pull herself out of Lexa's embrace. She needed to find her son. “Clarke stop!”_

_“I need to find him.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks once again. She needed to see him. She needed to hold him tight. She needed to feel his beating heart. She couldn't loose another person._

_“He is safe. Calm down and we go see him. Just calm down. He is okay.” Lexa waited until the blonde's body stopped shaking. She relaxed her grip and wiped the tears from Clarke's cheek with her thumb. “We re going to see him now okay?” She looked into blue eyes. Clarke nodded and they went to Aden. When the blonde spotted him she immediately took him in her arms and held him close. The little boy liked to be hugged so he didn't protest. His tiny hands were around his mommy's neck. A couple minutes later they headed home._

_For two months Clarke was the shell of a person. She barely slept. She barely ate. She wasn't talking much. Only when someone asked her a question or when Aden was with her. She knew she had to be strong for her son. But when he was not around she was breaking again and crying a lot. Lexa tried to help her but it was hard. Clarke didn't act like herself. Even if she tried to be strong around her son he saw that his mother wasn't there. She spaced out a lot. Lexa's heart break when she saw blonde in that state. She didn't know what to do._

_For the next two months Clarke spent most of her time in the hospital. But when she could she always was with Aden. She didn't want to neglect him. She loved him ad she loved Lexa. They were her family. But she felt empty inside. She smiled but these never reached her eyes. Not like it used to. When she laughed it was forced. She wanted so badly to feel something other than guilt, disgust, sadness. She was grieving. She knew that. But she only existed, not lived._

_She had just finished her shift. Lexa promised that she would pick her up and together they went to Raven's party. Clarke didn't want to go but she had to. When she exited the hospital she heard Jaha's voice._

_“You don't have to make choice now but please, just think about it?”_

_“Yeah, I will.” She said and went to Lexa's car. She kissed Lexa and smiled at Aden who was satting in the back._

_“What was that about?” Lexa asked and she pointed at entrance where Jaha stood._

_“He told me that there is spot available on another tour. But I told him that I won't be going. He asked me to think about it.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Why what?”_

_“Why don't you want to go?”_

_“Because I have a family here. You are here and Aden is here. I don't want to leave you for a year.” That was the main part of the reason. But she didn't want to go also because she knew that if she attached to the people there and if someone died on her watch she would never forgive herself and she could break down completely._

_“Clarke it could help you.”_

_“Lexa please. Can we discuss it another time. Just go.”_

_The next day it was her day off. Lexa stayed at home as well. Clarke was playing with Aden in the living room. They built the tower with blocks. When he got bored with the blocks Clarke gave him some paper and crayons. He loved to drew with her. It was always their special times._

_“It's so good Aden. Is that a cat?” Clarke looked at him and smiled at him. He shook his head._

_“No mommy. It's a lion. A big lion.”_

_“Oh, I see… Show this to your mom. She'll love it” She kissed his head. He picked up his drawing and run towards Lexa._

_“Look mom.” He put his drawing on her lap. Of course Lexa heard what it was supposed to be._

_“Wow kiddo. It's amazing. It's very pretty lion.” Aden rolled his eyes in the same way as Clarke._

_“He is not pretty. He is scary.” Aden said this like it was obvious and neither Lexa nor Clarke knew it. He yawned and Lexa picked him up._

_“Someone is sleepy. How about we go take a nap?” He nodded his head and reached for Clarke._

_“Mommy can you read me a story?”_

_“Yes baby. Of course I can.” She took him from Lexa and went to his room. He needed a story so he could asleep. Clarke was laying next to him and picked one of his books. She started read some story and within five minutes Aden was sleeping. She carefully exited his room and sat next to Lexa on the couch._

_“Can we talk about the program?” Lexa looked at Clarke._

_“There is nothing to talk about. I'm not going.”_

_“But it could help you. You know that.”_

_“I'm not leaving you for a year. It'll be to long.”_

_“We can do it. We've done this before.”_

_“But this time is different. We have a child. I don't want to miss anything.”_

_“You won't. We will be talking to each other a lot. We will skype and it's not like he is not going to see you.”_

_“But I won't be here, will I? It won't be the same. Can you just drop it?” Clarke was getting annoyed at Lexa's words._

_“Just think about it.”_

_“Yeah, yeah.”_

Clarke was sitting outside her friend's house. She had flipped every page of her sketchbook. She had traced her fingers on every single line. It was mostly filled with sketches of Lexa and Aden. She smiled at every one of them. Those piercing green eyes. She loved Lexa's eyes. She always got lost in them. Every time Lexa looked at her she felt love, happiness, safety. Home. Lexa was her home. And right now she couldn't go back. Not after what happened. Not after what she had done when she was in Africa. Not when she was a mess. She needed to wait a little longer. She knew that hurt them. She knew that Lexa could never forgive her. She knew that Aden… _Oh God… Aden. My baby._ She loved him so much. She knew she hadn't been the best mother for him. She would never forgive herself for being away from him. She felt bad for leaving him. She never wanted it. Tears started to fall down. 

“I'm sorry.” She whispered and pressed the sketchbook to her chest. She heard footsteps near her. She wiped her tears and looked up.

“You have your appointment in an hour.” The tall blonde woman sat next to her.

“I know… She'll never forgive me Julie.” 

“She will… You just have to explain her everything.” 

“I can't lose her. I can't lose Aden,” Clarke started crying again. She felt so bad that she had lied to them. 

“You won't lose them.”

“You can't be sure. I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible mother.” 

“Clarke stop. You are doing this again. Just stop. You are healing. You are not terrible person. You've just needed time. She will understand.” 

“What if she doesn't?” 

“She will.” Julie needed to calm Clarke down. She knew Lexa could not forgive her right away but she would definitely understand. She knew how much Lexa and Aden meant to Clarke. They were her whole world. 

Julie and Clarke were best friend since kindergarten. But before she had gone to high school, where Clarke met Lexa, Julie moved out to different country. Despite the fact they didn't see each other they talked or texted a lot. Julie came back to the country a few months ago when Clarke was still on her tour. They could always count on each other. That's why she didn't hesitate when Clarke appeared on her doorstep one night and asked her for help.

They were sitting on the couch and watching tv. Clarke tried to focus but she couldn't. She thought about Lexa about how she was gonna explain herself. She didn't know if the brunette forgave her but she knew that this was not going to be easy for either of them. The bell rang and Clarke snapped out of her daze. She stood up and grabbed her wallet. It was probably pizza and she saw that Julie was really focused on the movie so she didn't mind opening the door

When she opened it however her world stopped. She took a deep breath. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Her hands started to sweating. She didn't know if she should be scared or happy. She didn't know if she want to run or jump on that person. She saw those eyes she missed the most. She was lost again in green. She didn't know what to expect. 

“Lexa...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when I'll be posting the ext chapter because I start university next week and I won't have much free time. But within few days you could find some sneak peek from another chapter on my tumblr. If you are interested you can always check it out.


	6. I'm going home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short chapter but I'm half way through another which will be a lot longer than the others. I didn't want for you guys to wait too long. 
> 
> Hope you like it. Enjoy :)

"Lexa...”

“Hello Clarke.”

“What are you doing here?” Clarke couldn't understand why is was here. Who even told her?

“I know.” Lexa talked calmly. She didn't seem mad but Clarke knew that the brunette could perfectly hide her emotions. 

“What do you mean you know?” The blonde frowned. She didn't understand any of it. “Come in.” She let Lexa in and looked at her questioningly. 

“Can we talk somewhere private?” Lexa pointed at Julie who was sitting on the couch.

“Hi Lexa.” The taller blonde smiled at Lexa and looked significantly at Clarke. 

“Hello Julie.” Of course Lexa knew who the taller blonde was. She talked with her once or twice when Clarke and Julie skyped together. 

“Come on. We can talk in my room.” Lexa nodded and both of them went to Clarke's room. When Clarke heard the door was closing she turned around and looked at Lexa. “I don't know what you know but let me expl-” She didn't get to end her sentence because in this moment she felt a pair of soft lips on hers and arms around her waist. She was confused. She didn't know what was happening. It took her a couple of second to reciprocated the kiss. Her own hands were around Lexa's neck. 

The kiss was slow at the beginning. But with every second that passed it was more intense. Lexa licked Clarke's bottom lip silently asking for permission and in that moment Clarke knew it was not what they supposed to do. She slightly backed away. “Lexa what are you doing? We should talk.”

“What if I don't want to talk… especially not now.” Clarke recognized that look. She knew exactly what Lexa had in mind. She couldn't let that happen before they had the talk. 

“Lexa I know that you are mad at me. And this is really distracting, we need to talk.” Clarke tried to convince her girlfriend to talk. She knew that both of them would regret it later.

“I don't want to talk” Lexa said. Her eyes were black with desire.

“But Lexa… Oh God.” Clarke moaned when she felt Lexa's lips on her neck and her hands under her shirt. She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. Lexa exactly knew what she did to Clarke. She started to unbutton Clarke's shirt. Her teeth were grazing the soft skin of the blonde's neck.

When Clarke's shirt was somewhere on the floor the blonde felt pain in her back when Lexa pushed her on the door. Their lips united one more. Lexa's hand shifted from Clarke's stomach to her breast. She unhooked her bra and tossed it away. She placed her leg between Clarke's and pressed a little harder. Clarke moaned loudly. The blonde could feel Lexa's smile. Her lips was on her neck again. It was Clarke's weakest spot. She licked, grazed and sucked the skin. 

“Lex… we should… Oh God… We should talk… Fuck.” Clarke struggled with her words when she felt Lexa take her breast in her hand. She tweaked one of her nipples and captured the other in her mouth. “Please Lex… I need to tell… Shit… tell the truth…”

“Stop talking Clarke.” Lexa lifted her up and tossed her on the bed. She climbed on top of the blonde. Both bodies was pressed close to each other. Clarke could feel Lexa's erection through her pants. She started to kiss and bite slightly her jawline. Her hands slid along both sides. She was mad at Clarke but in the same time she wanted her so bad.

Lexa knelt between Clarke's leg, unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them down right with her panties. She didn't waste any time. She bent down and captured Clarke's lips with her own. Her tongue slid into the blonde's mouth. Lexa's right hand moved down between her legs. She run her fingers through Clarke's folds. The blonde was so turned on at this point she was throbbing. She didn't need much. Lexa found her clit and begun rubbing circles around it. Clarke shivered beneath her. Lexa bit Clarke's neck when two fingers entered her. She began thrusting and with each thrust she hit the spot that would push Clarke over the edge. Clarke was so close… So dangerously close and then…

“Clarke! Shit, Clarke wake up. You are late for your appointment.” Julie knocked loudly and yelled at her behind the door. She couldn't believe that the blonde overslept. Why did she even sleep when she knew she had her appointment.

Clarke opened her eyes widely. She immediately sat on the bed. She had been dreaming. But it was so real. She could swear that she felt Lexa's presence. It was so damn real. She missed her. She knew it. She missed her gentle touches, her laugh, her smile, her loving words, tender kisses. She missed everything. She knew she could no longer stay away. She wanted to go back to her family.

“Clarke for Christ sake… Get up!” She heard again and rolled her eyes.

“I'm awake. I'll be right there.” She got up and changed her clothes. When she was in the living room she looked at Julie. “I'm not going to the appointment. I'm done with this therapy.”

“What are you talking about? You can't stop it now. Are you out of your mind?”

“I said I'm not going.”

“Then what are you doing?” She pointed at the car keys which Clarke held in her hand.

“I'm going home.” Clarke said without any hesitation in her voice. She knew exactly what she wanted in that moment. She wanted to be home. She didn't know what to expect from Lexa when she would see her. Definitely not what she was dreaming about. But she was prepared to fight for her family. She didn't want to spend any more time away from her family. She had made up her mind. She was coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry. 
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos. I have a lot of work on my Uni but I'll try update in less than two weeks.


	7. I'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's explanation part one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As many of you know I'm in hospital because of my health problems. Tomorrow I have a surgery and that's why I'm posting this today because I don't know how I will be felling after tomorrow. Thank you all for kind words and your wishes and support. You are the best! :) 
> 
> Enjoy.

Clarke sat in the car outside the house. She knew that today her relationship would either be stronger or fall apart. There was no easy way to do it. Even if today they would break up Clarke was ready to fight for this family. From this day she would put her family first. Nothing would be more important. She looked at her hand where was the ring. She smiled slightly when the memories flooded her mind.

_2 years earlier._

_It was a perfect day for a barbecue. Lexa had been planning this for three weeks now. This was the day when she would do it. Everybody started to gather. The had invited Abby, Raven, Anya, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy and his wife Gina. They always brought their son Tucker with them so Aden had someone to play with. Lexa was sitting in the kitchen. Clarke was talking with Bellamy and Lincoln outside. Octavia came over to Lexa and poked her in the side._

_“When are you planning to do this?” Lexa turned her head in O's direction._

_“After we eat.” She smiled a little. “Why am I so nervous? I'm never nervous.”_

_“You are going to ask Clarke to marry you. I think everyone would be nervous if they were you.” The shorter brunette chuckled. “Show me the ring.”_

_Lexa took the little box out from her pocket and opened it to show to Octavia the ring. In this moment Raven came into the room. She stood behind Octavia and smiled widely._

_"It's beautiful."_

_“Is it time Woods?” Lexa shook her head. “Come on. What are you waiting for? You have your perfect woman right there. Go there and kneel in front of her and ask her this damn question.”_

_“I agree… Don't wait. This is your perfect moment.”_

_“Okay. I'm doing it.” Lexa closed the box and with O and Raven went to the garden._

_“Good luck Woods.”_

_When she was in the garden again she hid the box behind her back. She was relieved that Clarke stood with her back to Lexa. Everyone could see how nervous Lexa was. Abby asked Raven if that was it and she nodded her head. Everyone knew what Lexa was about to do. Everyone but Clarke. When Lexa stood beside Clarke she took a deep breath which caused the blonde to turn around._

_“What's going on?” Clarke asked confused. Everyone was silent and watched the two of them. Even Aden and Tuck stopped playing and stood beside Abby and Raven._

_“Clarke I met you on a parking lot in front of a supermarket. You were so pissed at me for taking your parking spot. I know I was pissed too but you made a big impression. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. You are kind, caring, funny and very stubborn. You always put other people before you. I was so lost for all of these years and when I met you I finally found myself. It was like I was whole again. You made me whole again. You gave me joy, happiness, love, safety. You gave me our beautiful son. And for that I am grateful. You are love of my life, my soulmate, my air. I can't imagine my life without you.” In that moment Lexa knelt before Clarke and opened the little box. Clarke was crying at this point. “Clarke Abigail Griffin would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Every pair of eyes was directed to Clarke._

_“Yes!” But that wasn't Clarke's voice. Aden yelled the answer instead his mother. But he didn't know what Lexa really was asking Clarke. The brunette started chuckling and everybody started laughing. Clarke also knelt and looked in those green eyes. She smiled widely._

_“I think he gave you the best answer.” The blonde kissed Lexa and everybody started cheering. Lexa put the ring on Clarke's finger. Soon the blonde became her wife. And she couldn't be happier about it._

That was it. That was this moment. There was no turning back. Clarke get out of the car and walked to the door. She had a key but she didn't want to come inside without them knowing that she was home. So she knocked. She waited for a couple of minutes hearing some noise inside the house. When the door opened it revealed those green eyes she had been dreaming about for the entire year. Those green eyes she was craving for. But they were different. There was no love and joy with those eyes. Instead there was shock, fear and disbelief.

“Hey.” Clarke tried to break this silence. It wasn't a comfortable silence but rather an uneasy one. She didn't know what to expect. She was slightly terrified.

“Clarke...” Lexa's voice was so quiet. The brunette couldn't believe what she was seeing. Was Clarke really here? Was it a dream? Was it real? She was so shocked. She heard footsteps behind her.

“Mommy!” Aden screamed and he threw himself into Clarke's arms. She hugged him tight. Clarke was so happy to see her son. She wanted nothing more than to be with her family. She smiled when she felt tiny hands around her neck. The little boy hid his head in crook of Clarke's neck. He had been waiting for his mother come back for so long. He had missed her so much.

“Hi baby. I missed you so so much.” Clarke didn't want to let her son go out of her arms. She breathed his scent to know that this wasn't another dream. That this was real. “I love you Aden.” She whispered into his ear.

“I love you too mommy.” Aden kissed her mothers cheek and looked at Lexa who was standing behind them and didn't know what to think. “Look mom. Mommy came back” He smiled and nestled in to his mom again. Clarke picked him up.

“I can see that. Come in. It's cold outside. I don't want Aden to get sick.” The brunette stepped aside so Clarke could come inside. She was so confused. Clarke came back. She was home. But what did it mean? Was she coming back for good? Did she come to tell her it's over? Why did she lie? Clarke sat on the couch with Aden on her lap. They hugged each other for a couple more minutes. 

“Okay kiddo. It's getting pretty late and you need to go to sleep.” Clarke said and stroked his head. She smiled at him.

“I don't want to go to sleep. I want to stay with you.” The little boy yawned and rubbed his eyes with his tiny hands.

“You are sleepy and I promise you that tomorrow we get to spend the whole day together.” She kissed him and looked at Lexa. She knew that her coming back was sudden but she wanted to be here. With him. With them.

“Can you read me a story? Please mommy.” He looked at her with this pleading eyes. Clarke nodded and went with him to his bedroom. While Clarke put Aden to bed Lexa sat in the living room dumbfounded. It was not the reunion she was expecting. The anger started to built in Lexa. Was the blonde serious? When Clarke returned to the living room Lexa clenched and unclenched her fists. Clarke knew the brunette was furious and honestly? She didn't blame her. She had every right to be mad at her. Clarke stood and waited for Lexa's rage.

“What the fuck is this Clarke? Are you serious? You came here like nothing happened?” Lexa tried not to yelled. She didn't want to wake Aden up. She knew she had to be quiet. In those green eyes Clarke could only see anger and hurt.

“I know that you're mad...”

“Mad? No… I'm not mad. I'm furious right now.” Lexa was looking directly in her blue eyes. Blue eyes she loved a few weeks ago. But now… the only thing she felt was hurt and pain. “You said you had to stay there for another six months. And then I heard that you were in the country. And not from you. You were lying to me for almost a month! And you think I'm only mad at you?”

“Lexa I'm sorry.” Clarke had never seen the brunette like this. She would have never thought that Lexa could be that upset. She knew she deserved it.

“You're sorry?” Lexa laughed. She didn't know why it was so funny for her. But she laughed. When she had gathered her composure she looked again at Clarke. “I don't even know why are you sorry? You're sorry for leaving us? Hmmm? Or maybe for lying to me? Or maybe for breaking promises to Aden? Or maybe for making choices by yourself? Or maybe for throwing our live away?”

“For all of it. I've never meant to hurt you like that.” Clarke voice was quiet. It betrayed tears which were behind her eyes threatening to fall.

“Save it Clarke. Your apology means nothing to me.” Clarke saw how Lexa's knuckles became white. Her fists were clenched so strong. She watched as Lexa's eyes closed. She watched how deeply she breathed. She knew that Lexa was on edge. “Why?” Lexa's voice was somewhat calmer. She still had her eyes closed.

“I've never even wanted to go on that tour.” Tears fell freely down on her cheeks. Her voice was shaky. “I've never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay.”

“Then why you didn't? Why did you go?” Lexa couldn't look at Clarke right now. She knew that if she opened her eyes she would be on the edge again. And she couldn't loose her composure.

“Because you've talked about it for weeks. You said that it would help. That I could heal there. I knew you were unhappy. I saw how you looked at me. With pity in your eyes. I was so done watching how miserable I made you feel. You've tried to help me. But I didn't let you. I shut you down. So I decided to go.” The blonde wiped her tears and sat on the couch.

“So it is my fault? That's what you're trying to say?” The brunette could feel how anger built within her again.

“No. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. I take full responsibility for what happened. I'm the one to blame.” She didn't blame Lexa for making her go. It was eventually her choice and not the brunette's.

“So if you felt bad there. If it didn't help you then why didn't you come back? Why did you tell me that you had to stay there? Why did you make me believe that we're not enough for you? Why did you make me believe that you don't love us anymore?” Lexa slowly opened her eyes. She looked at Clarke but the blonde wasn't looking at her. Clarke avoided looking into Lexa's eyes because she was ashamed.

“I thought about coming home earlier more times that I can count. But I couldn't go home because I had signed the contract. You know I couldn't break it.” Her voice was weak. She couldn't bear to look at Lexa. She was afraid of what she would find in those eyes she loved.

“You could have come back when your tour ended. But you didn't. You chose not to come home.”

“I was afraid you'd hate me. That you wouldn't forgive me. I still am.”

“Forgive you for what?” Lexa looked at her in disbelief. Did she…? No.. Clarke would never. “Did you cheat on me? That's why you're so afraid?”

“God no… Lexa no. I could never cheat on you. No, it's not that.”

“Then what did you do Clarke? What could possibly be worse than this?”

“When we arrived there everything was good. I helped a lot of people. It made me feel good, useful. You were right. I started to get better. I wanted to take care of a lot of people, I wanted to help almost everyone. And like always I started to eat less. I slept one hour a day if I was lucky. I was so caught up in work that I didn't pay attention to my own health. Remember when you told me to slow down a bit? To get checked?” She looked at Lexa who nodded. The brunette was quietly waiting.

_1 year ago_

_It was the first moment when Clarke could take a breath, get some rest. She had been on her feet for 3 whole days. She hadn't slept, she had eaten irregularly. She now sat in front of her laptop waiting for Lexa to pick up. She smiled when the brunette appeared on the screen._

_“Hi babe.” She waved to the camera. She missed her so much. It had only been 3 weeks and she already wanted to go back._

_“Hey Clarke. Why can't I see you?”_

_“Wait a minute.” The blonde checked if she had turned her camera on. She sighed when she found out that she had clicked the wrong button. She turned the video on. “Do you see me now?” She saw Lexa frowning her eyebrows. “Babe? What's wrong?”_

_“Clarke you look terrible.”_

_“Geez, thanks Lexa. You know how make the girl special.”_

_“No, I mean… You look so exhausted. When was the last time you slept?” Lexa could see bags under Clarke's eyes._

_“Lexa I'm perfectly taking care of myself.” She knew that Lexa didn't approve how much she neglected herself when she was on tour._

_“Clarke answer me. When?” Lexa's voice was demanding._

_“Sunday. I think.”_

_“You think? That was three days ago.” Lexa sighed. “And when was the last time you ate?”_

_“Now? Look baby I'm eating.” Clarke took a granola bar and started eating._

_“This is not food. You need to eat a healthy meal.”_

_“I know, I know.”_

_“Do you have some time off now?”_

_“Yeah. That's why I can talk to you. I missed your pretty face.” Clarke smiled widely and looked into her girlfriend's eyes._

_“So if you have time go to sleep. We can talk another time.” Clarke was about to say something when Lexa spoke again. “Don't argue with me. You didn't sleep in three days. Go to sleep.”_

_The next time they talked to each other again was two days later. But this time Clarke looked worse. After the last time the blonde slept for four hours and that was it for the next two days. She was watching Aden picking up his drawing and showing it to the camera. That was the moment when she thought about breaking her contract and coming back to them. She missed her family. She missed her son. They were everything to her._

_“It's amazing Aden. I love this drawing.” She smiled at her son and looked at Lexa. Her smile was everything she needed to keep herself together. She hadn't seen that smile in a long time. She heard Raven in the back ground and Aden was off when he saw the ice cream that Raven held in her hand. Clarke laughed. “Did he really leave me for ice cream? Thanks Aden. I love you too!” She shook her head and laughed again._

_“Everything disappears when he sees ice cream.” Lexa also laughed. She frowned her eyebrows when she saw Clarke's face and after that the blonde threw up into the trash can. “Clarke everything okay?”_

_“Yeah. I ate something earlier and I think that it wasn't as fresh as it seemed. I'll be okay.”_

_“You sure? You have a lot of doctors there. Please for my sake go and get a check up.”_

_“Okay. But later. I want to talk to you first. I miss you.”_

_“I miss you too.”_

 

_The truth is… Clarke never got a check up. The nausea was gone after two days. She took some pills for food poisoning. She neglected the whole problem. Until… Clarke was operating on one of the kids whom she treated. She was half way through it. When she was about to make that final cut she bent in half. She felt a piercing pain in her stomach. The scalpel fell out of her hand. She didn't know what was going on. Another wave of pain and Clarke couldn't handle it. She let out a scream. She needed to hold onto something so she wouldn't fall. And then she felt warm liquid flowing down her legs. She looked down and saw… blood. There was blood flowing down her legs and her surgery pants was covered in it. There was so much blood. Few second later Clarke was laying on the floor unconscious._

“I didn't know Lexa. I am a doctor and I didn't see it earlier. If I had listened to you none of this was have happened. I lost it and it's all my fault.” At this point Clarke broke. She was crying and couldn't catch her breath. She hid her face in her hands. She couldn't look at Lexa.

“What did you loose Clarke?” Lexa's voice was quiet but still firm.

“I'm sorry Lexa. He died because I didn't pay attention. I was supposed to see those signals earlier.”

“Tell me you're not talking about what I think you're talking about?” Lexa sat there and looked at the broken blonde. She hoped that what she had in mind was untrue. She didn't want to hear the answer.

“I killed our baby.”

This sentence caused Lexa's whole world to crash down. Clarke's voice repeating “I'm sorry” over and over again began to fade. She could only hear her own heart beating. Clarke had been pregnant. She had a baby and she lost it. Because she didn't want do some stupid tests? She lost their baby. Lexa shut her eyes. She wanted to break something. She had never been so angry before. How many times had she asked her to check everything out? She couldn't look at Clarke because all she saw was disgust and fault and hurt. It was almost 11 months ago and she hadn't told her. Clarke took this piece of information from her. It was her child too. She didn't get to mourn her unborn child. Warm hands on her own brought her back to reality.

“Lexa please say something.” Clarke flinched when Lexa pulled away from her. When Lexa opened her eyes again there was nothing in them. She couldn't see anything. Her stare was so cold.

“Get out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I don't know when I'll be posting so I'm sorry that you must wait. 
> 
> Have a good day everyone :)


	8. Beginning of the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was long for me (and I'm not writing a very long chapters) and I didn't want you guys to wait more for it so I split it into two parts.
> 
> Enjoy!

Get out. Those words was stuck in Clarke's head. She wasn't prepared for this. She knew that Lexa could be mad but not that she was about to kick out of her own house. Tears were falling freely down her cheeks. In that moment her heart broke. She never thought that Lexa tell her something like that.  
“Lexa please...” She tried to beg but Lexa's stare cut her off.

“I said get out. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you.” Her voice was firm but her eyes were empty.

“I'm sorry...”

“I don't give a fuck that you're sorry. I don't want you in my house.”

“Lexa please… You don't mean that...” Clarke tried again. “I'm sorry.”

“I don't care.”

“Lexa...”

“Get out!!!” Lexa raised her voice and Clarke flinched at her outburst. Lexa never raised her voice like that. The brunette was furious. I killed our baby. Played over and over again in her head like a record. It was her child too. She had every right to know and Clarke took that away from her. Relationships weren't supposed to be like that. They weren't supposed to lie to each other. Deep down she knew that loosing a child wasn't Clarke's fault but it was shut down by the anger and thought of her not being able to mourn her unborn child. Neither of them heard the tiny footsteps.

“Mom?” Lexa turned around to look at her son. She put on a fake smile on her face.

“Hey Champ. Why aren't you sleeping?” She crouched to his eye level.

“You were screaming and I woke up.” Aden rubbed his eyes with his tiny fists. He looked at his mother.

“I'm sorry. I won't be screaming again. I'm sorry for waking you up.” She hugged him and kissed his forehead. He looked at his other mother and when he saw that Clarke was crying he looked again at Lexa.

“Why is mommy crying?” He looked at her in the eyes and waited patiently for an answer. Lexa didn't know what to say. She wasn't prepared for that. But Clarke save her.

“I had a bad dream.” Clarke wiped her tears and smiled to her baby boy. Aden came to her and hugged her knees.

“It's okay mommy. You can sleep with me. I can protect you.” Clarke picked him up and put him on her hip. She kissed his cheek and smiled.

“My little brave man. Thank you baby.” She looked at Lexa and went with Aden to his room. Maybe Lexa didn't want to talk to her or see her but it was her house too. Aden was her son too and she had every right to be here.

When Clarke disappeared with Aden in his room Lexa sat on the couch with a blank expression. She didn't know what she was supposed to do right now. Clarke had dropped a bomb and she didn't know how to survive the blast. She had every right to be mad. To feel betrayed. Lexa didn't know what Clarke was expecting from her. Did she expect Lexa to be okay with this? How could she? Clarke had lost a child who was as much Lexa's as Clarke's and she didn't tell her. She kept it away from her. Clarke was pregnant. They had a second child and she didn't even know that baby existed. Lexa approached one of the drawers and took out a photo album with every pictures of Aden. Including the ones from USG. She opened it and looked at those USG photos. A tiny dot on the picture. She was supposed to have two photos like that. Clarke was supposed to send her that kind of photo of their second child. Lexa was staring at those pictures and then it hit her. All at once. She would never had a chance to meet her second child. She didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. Her child was gone. Her child died. In that moment Lexa couldn't catch her breath. Tears were falling down her cheeks and her vision started to get blurry. It hurt so much. She felt physical pain in her chest. It was unbearable. It was too much. She couldn't be in this house. She took her keys and got out of the house. She drove to the one person who could help her. Normally it was Clarke who knew how to calm her down but this time it wasn't an option. Lexa couldn't look at her. It was too much for her. When she arrived at her destination she stood outside the door and knocked a few times.

“What the fu… Lexa?” Anya was shocked to see her sister this late. What was more she never saw her in a mess like that. “What happened?”

“I… she told… she lost it… it's gone… I don't… And then Aden… I never met… and I can't… I don't… Why?” Lexa broke down in front of her sister and she slumped down the wall and started sobbing. She was strongly trembling. Her head was hidden in her hands. In that moment two arms wrapped around her.

“Shhh… It's okay. I'm here.” Anya stroked Lexa's hair and held her tight. When Lexa calmed down a little bit Anya helped her come inside. They sat on the couch. “Okay… Tell me slowly what happened?”

“Clarke… She came back. I mean… she came back home.” Lexa's voice was barely audible. But Anya heard her nonetheless. Her eyes widened. She knew that Clarke was in the country. Lexa told her immediately but she wasn't expecting her to come home. It didn't look like Clarke wanted to come home.

“Okay… and it is a bad thing?” Anya was really trying to understand why Lexa reacted this way. She knew how much Lexa loved Clarke. Something bad must have happened. When Lexa didn't respond Anya frowned. “Lexa?”

“She was pregnant.” The brunette looked at her shaking hands. Anya was speechless. She didn't expect this. She looked at Lexa and couldn't say any word. “And she lost it.”

“She cheated on you?” Anya said angry. How dared she cheat on her little sister? She couldn't believe this. “I'll kick her ass… No one can pull that shit on you! Who does she think she is?!” The blonde raised and went to go out but Lexa stopped her.

“She didn't cheat on me. She was pregnant with my child.” Lexa looked at her sister and it was the moment when Anya could see all the pain and hurt in her little sister's eyes. She sat again next to Lexa and hugged her. She held her when Lexa told her everything. It was more and more difficult for Anya to keep her emotions at bay. With every new information the blonde hugged her sister tighter.

“Shit Lex… I'm so sorry.” The blonde started to stroke Lexa's back.

“I told her to get out.” This words weren't louder more than a whisper.

“You told her what? Why?” Anya looked at her in disbelief. She knew that Clarke had fucked up, but loosing this child wasn't her fault. And Lexa had gone too far with this.

“I know it wasn't her fault. She didn't have any control over this. I know, but it hurt so much… I couldn't look at her. She lied to me Anya. For months she told me nothing more than lies. How am I supposed to be okay with this? It was my child too. I should have known. I should have been there for her. She didn't let me help, she didn't let me mourn my own child.” Lexa started crying again.

“I know it's hard for you and I know it is very painful for you but don't forget that you two have a child already. Aden needs his parents. And Clarke is his mother just as much as you. You can't kick her out of the house. I know that she fucked up but she came back. I'm not saying you need to forgive her. Hell no… But you need to cooperate with her when it comes to Aden. Do it for your son.”  
“I don't want to see her right now. I'm not ready.”

“You can stay here. I'll prepare you the guest room. You don't have to go back there tonight. I know Clarke can take care of Aden in the morning. And I'm sure Aden will be happy if he can spend some time alone with her.” Lexa just nodded. Anya took her to the guest room. When Lexa was laying on the bed alone she couldn't help but cry again. Actually she never stopped crying until she fell asleep.  
Tiny hands woke Clarke up in the morning. She opened her eyes and smiled when she saw her son. Aden poked her face so she could finally wake up. He couldn't wait any longer. He wanted to draw and play with his mommy. He had missed her so much.

“Mommy, mommy. Wake up.” He told her and kissed her cheek. He knew how his mom would wake up Clarke and it always worked. "Mommy wake up. We need to draw." Aden looked at his mother with excitement.

 "First we eat breakfast. Then you brush your teeth and then we can draw okay?"

 "But mommy... " He didn't want to waste his time for breakfast. He was afraid that his mother would leave again and he wanted to play with her while he still could.

 "No buts. Breakfast, teeth and then we draw." Clarke got out of the bed and gave Aden some clothes so he could get dressed. The little boy pouted but didn't argue with his mother. When Clarke left the room the dead silence greeted her. She went to her bedroom but there was no sign of Lexa. None in the bathroom, living room, kitchen. Nowhere. She checked her phone and saw that she had a voicemail from Anya. 'Wait? From Anya?' She pressed the notification and put her phone to her ear.

 "Hi Clarke. I assume you are asleep. I just want to let you know that Lexa is here. She will be staying the night. So you don't have to worry about her. Bye." Clarke could hear the coldness in her voice so she was sure that Lexa had told her everything.

 "Mommy help!" She heard a yelling from her son's bedroom. She hurried there and looked at her son. "I'm stuck." Clarke tried to hold on her laughter when she saw Aden's head stuck in the t shirt.

"Baby not this hole... Right here." She helped him put on the T-shirt. "What do you want for breakfast?"

 "Cereals!!! But the new ones mom bought. Please." He shot her the sweetest smile he could and Clarke melted right away. They went to the kitchen. The blonde boy climbed up in one of the chairs and watched his mother making him breakfast. In that moment he noted that Lexa wasn't here. Which was odd. She was always the first one to wake up. 

"Where is mom? Is she sleeping? Can I wake her up?" He started climbing down the chair when Clarke stopped him.

"No Aden. Mom isn't sleeping. She went to work." She put a bowl of cereals in front of her son and gave him a spoon so he could eat it.

“But she didn't say goodbye. She always does." His chin started to tremble and then Clarke knew she had made a mistake.

"Don't cry. Mom just had to go very early and she didn't want to wake you up. But she went to your room and kissed you goodbye." She let a sigh of relief when she saw Aden smile but after that his eyes went wide with fear.

"I didn't wish her a good day. I need to. I don't want her to have a bad day." He looked at his mother so she could figure something out.

"We can call her and you can wish her a good day. Is that okay?" When he nodded she smiled at him. Aden was eating his breakfast and Clarke took the opportunity to got changed. She made herself a cup of coffee and cleaned after her son while he brushed his teeth.

"Can we call her now?" Aden stood in the doorframe with his chin covered in toothpaste.

"Yes. But come here." She cleaned his chin and sat him on her lap. She took her phone and dialed Lexa's number. She just hoped that the brunette would answer the call. And there was the voicemail. She sighed. She called Anya and prayed that the older Woods would answer. She was waiting and waiting. She was about to give up when a harsh voice was heard.

"What do you want? I told you yesterday you don't have to worry about her." Clarke knew that Anya was pissed.

"Good morning to you too. And I know that she doesn't want to talk to me. Tell her that Aden want to talk to her. Apparently they have a some daily routine." When Anya agreed she gave her phone to Aden.

"Hi mom. I didn't tell you to have good day. You need to have good day. Now you will have."

"Oh thank you baby. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye." Lexa felt bad for missing her morning routine with her son. They always hugged each other and wished each other a good day  and had a special handshake.

"It's okay. I know you didn't want to wake me up. Mommy told me you were in my room to say goodbye. So don't worry." Lexa was taken aback by his words.

"Did she... Well have a good day too. I will be back before dinner. I need to go baby. I love you." Even though she was mad at Clarke she was also glad that she had covered for her in this moment.

"I love you too mom. Do you want to talk to mommy?" When Clarke heard this question she knew Lexa would probably say no but deep down she hoped that maybe the brunette would say yes. "No kiddo. I don't have to."

"Okay. Bye." Aden hung up and gave the phone to Clarke.

"Aden! Why did you hung up?" She looked at his son.

"She didn't want to talk to you. Can we draw now?" The little boy wasn't aware what those words truly meant.

"Go get your crayons and we can draw." When Aden went to his room for his crayons Clarke put the dishes in the dishwasher. Her son's words hurt her so much. A single tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it immediately. She knew that Lexa needed time but still those words were painful to hear. She started to wonder if this was the beginning of the end for their relationship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments and kudos. It keeps me motivated. 
> 
> Hope you liked it.
> 
> Have a nice day :)


	9. You promise?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rave is a good friend. Aden spends time with Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not posting in a long time but a lot of things were going on. Also I started to write new fic and I have a little problem with this chapter. I was rewriting it a couple of times so... I hope you like it.
> 
> Have a nice day. :)

"Mommy, look." Aden showed Clarke his drawing. There were four people. Two adults and two children. Clarke looked but only for a second. It reminded her of what she could have. It was so painful to look at this kind of drawing.

"This is a very pretty drawing. Who is it?" Clare knew she needed to be strong for her son.

"This is you, this is Mom, me and Ontari." He pointed his little finger at the forth person.

"Ontari? Who is it?" She hadn't heard that name before. She was curious and looked at her son.

"She is my best friend. We play together on the playground. And Mom says she could be in preschool with me next year. It would be so cool." Aden smiled widely and took another paper to make another drawing. _Preschool? His best friend?_ In that moment, Clarke realized how much she had missed on her son's life.

"Your best friend? Tell me about her." She smiled at her son. She played it cool. She wanted to know about everything she had missed. Clarke promised herself that she would never leave her little boy again.

"She's nice, funny. We play in battle together. She isn't like most girls. She like building towers with me. We ride a bike together. And she is pretty." Aden looked at his mommy.

"Someone's blushing." Clarke smiled and Aden made a face.

"I'm not blushing." He tried to deny it.

"Okay, okay. I'm glad you have friends. I love you." She kissed his head and hugged him.

"I love you too mommy." Aden snuggled into his mother. "Can we watch some cartoons? Please?" He looked at Clarke with his puppy eyes.

"Of course baby." She took the remote and turned on the TV. The picture was lovely. A mother and his son snuggling on the couch. Clarke was happy. For the first time in a year she smiled. Truly smiled.

 

Meanwhile Lexa was in Anya's apartment. The blonde needed to go to work so Lexa was alone. Actually, it was what she needed right now. She needed time to think this all through. She wasn't mad at Clarke for losing their child. She knew it wasn't her fault. She was mad about the lies. She was mad because she couldn't be with Clarke when she needed her the most. She was mad because Clarke decided to deal with this by herself. Lexa was her fiancee of course she wanted to be there for her. She would've gone there if she had to. She would've broken her contract and brought Clarke back. She didn't want Clarke to deal with this by herself. The most painful thing was definitely lying.

Lexa was sitting on the couch with her phone in her hands. She was thinking about calling Clarke. But what did she want to tell her? She didn't know. She didn't know how to talk to her. The brunette looked at her phone and tossed it somewhere on the couch. At this moment she heard someone unlocking the door.

"Anya, you should be at work. I told you I'm fine." Lexa yelled from the living room.

"I'm not Anya and you're not fine." A familiar voice said and Lexa turned around in surprise.

"Raven? What are you doing here?" Lexa didn't know Raven had a spare key.

"I'm being a good friend." Raven went to the kitchen and took two glasses in one hand while the other held a bottle of whiskey. The younger brunette went to the living room and put all the stuff on the table. She poured the golden liquid into both glasses. She handed one glass to Lexa and looked at her. "Drink and tell me everything."

"Raven I can't drink. I need to go home later. I can't be drunk."

"I'll call Clarke later and tell her you won't be coming home for the night. Now... Drink and tell." So Lexa told her everything she knew. She told her about her fear and insecurities. By the time she finished talking Lexa was slightly tipsy. She drank her glasses faster than Raven so it wasn't surprising.

"So I told her to get out but she didn't want to go so I went to Anya. And that's how I got here." She sighed and took another sip. Raven just looked at her and shook her head.

"You know you're being idiot?"

"I'm being idiot? Why? She lied to me."

"She's suffering from depression. Did you forget how she was when her dad died?"

"You're taking her side?" Lexa was shocked by Raven's attitude.

"I'm not taking any side. But you know how hard that was for her. And now she's lost a child."

"It was my child too."

"Yes it was. But you told her to go there. You suggested it. I'm not saying it's your fault because it isn't. But she went there for you. She lost your child there. She knew that if she told you that back then you would've blamed yourself. And I'm sure she didn't want that."

"But she should have told me." Lexa poured herself another glass.

"She should. You had every right to know. But you need to look at this from both sides." Raven looked at Lexa's pained eyes. "Something tells me you're not mad at her."

"Of course I'm mad at her. She didn't tell me. She lied to me for months." Lexa said angrily. Raven didn't know how she felt. No one knew.

"No. You're mad at the situation. You're mad because you couldn't be with her when it happened. You're mad because you don't understand why this happened to you. You're mad because you couldn't help her." Raven put down her glass and hugged Lexa. She was crying at this point in the younger brunette's arms.

"I should've been there for her. I should have brought her home. I thought it would help her. It was our child." Lexa couldn't and didn't want stop her tears from falling. She needed it. She needed to let it all go.

"I know. But it's not your fault. You can be there for her now. You can help her now." Raven didn't try to silence her. She just held her and let her cry.

"I don't know how. I don't know if I can forgive her for lying."

"No one is asking you to. She hurt you. No one's expecting you to forgive her right away."

"I'm not gonna apologize."

"You don't have to. You did nothing wrong. But she needs you. And I know you love her."

"Yeah I do."

They stayed like this and talked to one another about something else. Lexa was glad that Raven didn't want to talk about it longer that they should. They drank the whole bottle and decided to watch something.

 

Clarke looked at her watch. Lexa should have been home half an hour ago and she still wasn't here. The blonde had called her twice but there was no response. She didn't know why she had hoped that Lexa was going to show up. She sighed and looked at Aden who was playing in the living room. He was the reason she had hoped that Lexa would come home. It was the moment when her phone rang. She immediately answered without checking the caller.

"Lexa?" You could hear hope in Clarke's voice.

"Sorry blondie. It's Raven. Lexa won't be home tonight."

"But she promised. How am I supposed to tell that to Aden. He has a surprise for her."

"Figure something out. Now you know how she felt when you broke every promises you've made?" That sentence was like a punch in the guts for Clarke. Raven knew it was too harsh for the blonde. "Shit... Clarke sor..."

"Stop. I deserved that. Just... Take care of her. Please?" Clarke's voice was about to break. She really had hoped that Lexa would come home.

"Yeah no problem Griff... And I didn't mean it."

"You did. Anyway... I need to go." She didn't want to cry and she knew that if she continued this conversation she would.

"Clarke..."

"Bye Raven. Thanks for letting me know." Clarke quickly hung up. She wiped some free tears from her cheeks and called her son. "Aden. Dinner is ready." The little boy came into the kitchen and looked at Clarke.

"But mom isn't here. We can't start without her."

"Mom isn't coming for dinner. Go and wash your hand."

"But she promised she'd make it to dinner." His chin dangerously shuddered. Clarke knelt before him to looked at him in the eyes.

"I know she promised you but something came up and she needs to stay at work a little bit longer." She didn't want him to cry. "After dinner we can play Mario kart. What do you think?" She suggested hoping to distract him.

"Yes! Can I pick first?" His face lit up right away.

"Of course monkey. Now wash your hands and then we can eat." He ran off to wash his hands.

After dinner they moved to the living room and started to play. They played for an hour maybe when Aden put down his controller and looked at his mommy.

"Mommy? How long you will be staying with us?" Clarke was taken aback by this question. She looked at her son curious as to why he would ask her something like this.

"What do you mean?"

"You weren't here for a lot of time. I missed you very much. I don't want you to go again." He stood up and sat on his mother's lap.

"Oh sweetie. I'm not going anywhere ever again. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying for good". She hugged him tight and kissed his head.

"You promise?"

"Yes baby. I promise."

"But you won't break this promise like you did last time?" These words hurt her so much. But she knew that her son was right. She had broken a lot of promises.

"No Aden. I won't break this promise." She stroked his back.

"Can we go to the playground tomorrow? Mom doesn't have work so she can go with us."

"Of course baby. If the weather is clear we can go." They stayed like this untill Aden fell asleep in her arms. Clarke lifted him up and put him to sleep. She went to her bedroom, changed in some shorts and t-shirt and laid in bed. The pillow smelled like Lexa. She burried her face in the pillow and let her tears flow. She thought about how her relationship had changed. She played with the ring on her finger and was wondering if she should take it off. She wasn't sure about anything. Lexa didn't trust her. Her own son didn't trust her. But she loved them. She took a photo from the nightstand and looked at it. She decided she would fight for this family. No matter what. A few hours later she finally fell asleep.

 

Lexa couldn't sleep that night. Anya had come back from work to two drunk girls in her living room. She told them to go to sleep. Lexa was put in the guest room while Anya took Raven to her bedroom. When Lexa was laying on the bed she stared at the ceiling. She thought about it over and over again. She thought about the wedding which was supposed to be in three weeks. Keyword: supposed. She didn't know if there would be any wedding. Did she still want the wedding? She tried to imagine herself and Clarke taking the vow. She felt butterflies in her stomach. Of course she still wanted the wedding. Did she trust Clarke. No. She didn't. But she loved her. She wanted to fix it. She wanted to trust her again. She stood up. She didn't care if she was drunk. She went home. She wanted to be there. It took her a while to reach her destination but eventually she made it. Lexa entered as quietly as she could. She was proud of herself. She opened her bedroom's door. She looked at Clarke. The blonde slept peacefully. Lexa smiled and came closer. She saw how Clarke held a family picture in her hand. She saw dry lines from tears on her cheeks. The brunette sat next to Clarke and put a strand hair behind her ear. She stroke her cheek and smiled. In that moment Clarke woke up slightly. She blinked a couple of times.

"Lexa?" She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Was Lexa really here? She turned on light. She really was here. She looked at her watch and checked the time. It was 4 am.

"Hi." Lexa looked at Clarke in the eyes.

"Hey."

"I'm a bit drunk." The brunette chuckled a bit and sighed.

"Lay down. Try to sleep. I'll go to the guest room." Clarke tried to stand up but a soft hand stopped her.

"No. Stay with me." She looked at the blonde with sad and tired eyes.

"Are you sure? You're drunk. I don't want you to regret that in the morning." Clarke told her honestly.

"Stay." Lexa repeated and laid down. She opened her arm widely so Clarke could snuggled into her. When the blonde laid next to her Lexa wrapped her arms around her and held her close. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes in silence before Lexa spoke up. "I'm still mad."

"I know."

"I don't think I can forgive you right now."

"I know." There was another couple of minutes of silence.

"I love you."

"I know. I love you too."


	10. I'm trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating in two months but life happened. I had a little rough couple of weeks and I couldn't write as much as I would want. But I won't be making any excuses. Sorry for waiting and I hope you guys like it.
> 
> Have a good day :)

When Lexa woke up she saw a glass of water and some Advil waiting for her. She was thankful for this because her head was pounding. She quickly took the pill and drank the whole glass. The brunette turned around only to see empty and cold sheets. She started to wonder if Clarke had left after she fell asleep or if she had stayed with her. She hoped it was the second option. She was about to bury her face into the pillow again when she heard loud child's laughter downstairs. She looked at the clock and saw it was past 9 a.m. She got up and left the room.

Aden was standing on the chair next to Clarke and had a cute apron on. Clarke was adding something to a bowl and Aden was mixing the ingredients.

“Mommy look. It's ready.” Aden showed Clarke his bowl with the mixed ingredients. He was proud of himself.

“No baby. We need to add a little bit of flour.”

“Can I?” The little boy asked.

“But carefully.” Clarke passed him the flour and tried to help him.

“No mommy. I can do it.” He pushed her hands away and picked the flour. When he tried to add it to the bowl it slipped from his hands and landed absolutely everywhere. He looked at Clarke and his chin started to tremble slightly.

“Oh baby don't cry. It's okay. We can clean this up.” She smiled kindly at him. But Aden wasn't convinced though. “Hey buddy. Cheer up.” She threw some flour at him and Aden smiled a little. So she threw some more. Aden laughed and took some flour in his small hand and threw it at his mommy. Clarke chuckled a bit. And thus the flour war began.

The sound of laughter was coming from the kitchen. Lexa stood in the doorway and leaned against the wall. The scene in font of her melted her heart. It was something she hadn't see in a long time. Clarke was laughing. Like truly laughing. _God I missed her laugh._ She didn't realise she had said it aloud until Clarke turned in the direction of the new voice. Their eyes met and it was like they found each other again. They exchanged a shy smile. They both knew that there had a long way ahead of them. They knew there would be some rough moments. They knew that they needed to talk about it more. You couldn't gain someone's trust back just like that. It took time. They both knew that. But time wasn't the problem. Clarke was here, she was going to stay. They had a lot of time. One look in each others' eyes is all it took for them to know that the fight for this relationship, for this family, for this love was worth it. It had always been and would always be. Clarke was about to say something when Aden came closer to his mother. 

“Mom we are making breakfast for you.” He smiled adorably. Lexa smiled and picked him up. She kissed his flour-covered cheek.

“Thank you baby. Maybe I can help?” She looked at Clarke who just shook her head.

“No need. Just sit down and relax. How are you feeling?” The blonde asked and placed a cup of coffee in front of Lexa. She knew that the brunette might be hangover.

“My head hurt a little but I took the pill you left me. Thank you for that.” Clarke just nodded and finished mixing the ingredients before cooking the pancakes.

“Aden please wash your hands.” Clarke told him as she set a plate with pancakes in front of Lexa and one plate in front of Aden. She had only made coffee for herself.

“You're not eating with us?” Lexa asked confused.

“I'm not hungry.” The answer came very quickly from the blonde's mouth. Clarke started to clean up all the flour from the floor and counter.

“Mom when we can go to the playground?” Aden asked through a mouthful.

“Playground?” Lexa looked at her son and then at Clarke. Had she forgotten something?

“Um… Yeah. He asked yesterday if we could go to the playground today, and since it's your day off so I thought we could go together, but I didn't know if you wanted to so I told him that if the weather was fair we could go, and it's sunny so he wanted to go now, then I told him it was too early and that you were tired today, so he wanted to wait until you ate breakfast and that's why we made it for you - Not that I assume you'll go with us, but it would be nice if you went with us. But I totally understand if you don't want to go.” Lexa's only response at seeing Clarke ramble nervously was to smirk.

“Of course I'll go with you two. It could be a family day.” To be honest they needed a family day. To spent time with each other, just the three of them. Aden needed to be with both of his mothers. He needed attention from the both of them, at the same time. He was only four years old after all, he couldn't understand too much from what was happening between his mothers, so Lexa wanted to give that to him so and so did Clarke. 

“Okay. Good.” Clarke smiled a little, she was relieved. Deep down she was scared that Lexa didn't want to spent time with her, even if it there was their son with them.

“Also I thought that Aden could sleep over at Abby's or Octavia's place tonight and we could talk. Without interruption.” Clarke only nodded and looked at her son.

“Baby what do you say about sleeping over at grandma's or aunt O's?” Aden's face lit up immediately. Clarke only smiled. She knew that they need to talk but at the same time she didn't want to talk.

“Yes! I want to go to aunty O's! Uncle Lincoln promised me that we could play this super racing game.” He was super happy. Lexa and Clarke loved to see their son that happy. It was all they wanted for him.

“I'll call Octavia and ask her.” Clarke grabbed her phone and went into the living room. Lexa and Aden stayed in the kitchen where Lexa was finishing her coffee and Aden was finishing his pancakes. Aden looked at his mother and put down the fork.

“Is mommy going to leave again?” Lexa was taken aback by the question.

“I don't think so buddy. Why are you asking?” She looked at her son curiously.

“Because mommy was sad yesterday. She thought I didn't hear her but she was crying when she went to the bathroom. The last time she cried she left us. She promised me she wouldn't leave again.”

“No baby. Mommy is not leaving us. Don't worry.” She told him and kissed his head. She didn't know what to think about all of this. Well… she knew, but still. She knew that Clarke still had problems and that she was suffering from depression. She knew that the blonde blamed herself for loosing their child. She also knew that it wasn't Clarke's fault. But she was so angry with all of this lying and secrets Clarke had kept away from her.

“Then why was she crying?” He jumped off his chair and climbed on his mother's lap. Lexa embraced him with her arms.

“When mommy was away she experienced something that made her very sad. And it is something hard for her to forget. So sometimes she thinks about it and she is sad. That's why she is crying.” She was hoping that Aden wouldn't ask any more questions. She couldn't be prepared for that conversation with Aden when she hadn't had it with Clarke yet.

“I don't like when she is sad.”

”I know baby. Me neither. So maybe we can do everything in our power today so she won't be sad today?” Lexa brushed his hair off his face and smiled at him.

“Yes. She can go and swing before me. She likes swinging.” He smiled at his mom, proud that he could do something he knew his mommy would like.

“Okay. Now go and get changed. We are going to the playground in a while.”

“Yaay!” Aden yelled and quickly pecked Lexa's cheek before running off to his bedroom so he could change into the clothes that Clarke had prepared for him. The brunette washed the dishes after finishing her breakfast and went into the living room to find Clarke still on the phone. She looked at the blonde and smiled a little. Clarke was drawing something on a white paper while she was talking to Octavia. She always did that. Lexa studied her face. She noticed the wrinkle between her eyebrows whenever Octavia said something confusing or the way her tongue would stick out when she wanted to focus on a detail of her drawing. Then her eyes locked with Clarke's. She watched as the blonde's cheeks became a little pink. Lexa smirked at her and mouthed that she was going to get changed and check up on Aden. Clarke only nodded. 

“Are you ready buddy?” Lexa asked when she came into Aden's room. He was sitting on his bed with a t-shirt in his hands.

“I don't want this t-shirt,” He looked at Lexa and threw the t-shirt on the floor.

“First of all don't throw your clothes. Secondly… Why?” She picked up the piece of clothing off the floor and put it in the drawer.

“Ontari doesn't like dinosaurs.” So that was what it was all about. He wanted to impress a girl. Lexa just chuckled and knelt in front of her son.

“Okay… then what is it that she likes?” It was his first crush. She wanted to help him.

“I don't know.” He said and lowered his head. That's when Clarke entered the room.

“What's happening here? Why aren't you dressed?” She looked at Aden and then at Lexa.

“Girl crush problem.” When Clarke frowned Lexa went to elaborate. “Apparently Ontari doesn't like dinosaurs so he wants to change his shirt.”

“Oh I see… And what does Ontari like?” She went to one of the drawers and looked for a good t-shirt. “What about a superman shirt?” She looked at the little boy who just shook his head. “Okay… Maybe batman?” Aden once again shook his head.

“This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.” Lexa laughed a little and picked up her son. She went to the drawer and stood next to Clarke. “What about this one?” Lexa pointed to a t-shirt with two swords on it and the word 'commander' under the swords.

“You said yesterday that she likes battles.” Clarke looked at Aden who just smiled and nodded. “Then we have a winner.” She put out the t-shirt and handed it over to Lexa. “I'll just go and fix my hair and then we can go.”

Half an hour later the three of them were on the playground. Aden spotted Ontari right away and Clarke started to wonder if her son wanted to come here just because he knew that the little girl would be there. Clarke and Lexa were sitting on one of the benches watching Aden. The little boy came closer to Ontari and they both started to play in the sandpit. They were laughing and having a really good time. At some point one of the kids threw some sand at Ontari. The little girl started crying but Aden told her it was okay and helped her to get the sand off her clothes. Ontari stopped crying and looked at Aden. It was clear that the little girl was thinking about something. A moment later the little girl leaned and pecked Aden's cheek. Both kids were blushing but Aden only smiled widely. When Lexa saw that she chuckled a bit and said to herself _'smooth Aden'._ Clarke smiled when she heard that. They didn't talk. In fact Clarke still didn't know how to act around Lexa. She knew that the brunette was still mad. It couldn't go away over one night. Yes, they had a little moment yesterday but it didn't mean that everything was okay. She wanted to give Lexa some time. Some distance. Which was ironic because distance was the reason they were in this in the first place. She didn't know that Lexa wanted to be close to her. She didn't need time. She needed an honest conversation to fully understand all of it. She needed to tell Clarke how she had been feeling for the past three days. She needed to hold the blonde in her arms and tell her it was going to be okay. That they could get through this. Together. As a couple. As a family. After a couple of minutes Clarke felt a warm hand on her own. She instantly looked down only to see Lexa's hand on her own. She raised her head to look at Lexa in the eyes. Clarke raised her eyebrow in confusion but Lexa only smiled genuinely and intertwined their fingers together. She decided not to question the sudden display of affection and just enjoy the moment.

Lexa didn't know why she did what she did but she was happy the blonde hadn't rejected it. She knew that Clarke was trying not to cross any lines. She knew that Clarke was trying to respect her decision and give her time. But Clarke was distant. And Lexa didn't want that. If they wanted to fix their relationship they needed to act like it. They hadn't broken up for Christ sake. In this moment Lexa felt Clarke's thumb brush over her hand. She smiled and looked at Clarke. The blonde smiled as well and pointed towards the swings. Lexa just nodded. They stood up and went to the swings. Clarke liked talking while she was swinging. It calmed her down a little bit. They were watching over Aden again when Clarke spoke up.

“I've been going to therapy for the past six months. I had a therapist in Africa. For the last three weeks I've been going to therapy here too, in Polis Mental Facility. I wanted to get better before coming back. I wanted to deal with all the uncertainties, sadness, loss. I didn't want to be a burden for you. I didn't want to ruin everything we built during all these years. I wanted to be stronger for you, for him.” She looked at Aden and smiled lightly. “I didn't want you to feel miserable because of me. I couldn't bare seeing you unhappy. When my dad died I know I was the shadow of the person I used to be. You've always wanted to help me and I treated you like crap and for that I am deeply sorry. But Lex I'm trying. I'm really trying. I love you both so much.” The blonde looked at Lexa. She knew they were supposed to talk about it later but she wanted her to know that she wanted to fight for them. But before Lexa could answer Aden ran to them.

“I want to go to the slide… Mom please?” He knew that he was not allowed to go to the slide alone because he was too little so he hoped that his mom would go with him.

"You're not playing with Ontari?" Lexa asked looking at her son. 

"No. She went home already. So can we go to slide?" He pleaded again. Lexa looked at Clarke and mouthed a 'sorry' before taking Aden's hand and going with him to the slide. Clarke watching as they interacted with each other. She took a couple of photos. For example the moment when Lexa smiled happily at her son or the moment when Aden stretched out his hands toward her because he was a bit scared. Or the moment when Lexa sat on top of the slide with Aden on her lap and slid down. It was the kind of happy moments that they all needed. They spent a good two hours at the playground. And they didn't talk about it anymore. They decided to wait until they were alone. 

They spent the afternoon on the couch. Aden was playing with his action figures on Clarke's lap. Lexa was sitting next to the blonde with a cup of hot coffee in her hands.The TV was on and some cartoons were on the screen. They regularly spent lazy afternoons before Clarke went away. They just enjoyed each other's company.

“Mommy when can I go to aunty O's?” He looked at Clarke and then at Lexa.

“Later baby. Aunty O is still at work. She'll pick you up on her way back.” Lexa answered and set down her coffee on the table.

“Play with me mom.” He jumped off Clarke's laps and ran off to get his truck and blocks. When he turned around to look at Lexa he pointed at the floor. “You need to sit on the floor. Mommy you too.”

“Me? Why?” She looked at Aden curiously.

“Because you will be building a castle with mom. And I will bring you blocks with my super truck. And then you mommy are the princess...”

“Will be.” Clarke corrected his son. “You should say 'you will be the princess'.” She smiled at him.

“You will be the princess and mom will be the knight and I will be the very scary dragon. She needs to rescue you. Okay?” He smiled adorably. Clarke laughed a bit and Lexa just nodded. Aden once again took off but this time to his room. He came back with a plastic sword and gave it to Lexa.

“Here. You can't be a knight without a sword.”

“Thank you kiddo.” Lexa kissed his head and that was how it started. Lexa and Clarke build the castle with the blocks that Aden had brought them. When the castle was ready Clarke kneeled behind it, pretending to be a princess in a castle. Lexa and Aden were fighting in the center of the living room.

“I am a dangerous dragon. Roar!!!” Aden was coming at Lexa with his hands in the air pretending to attack her. After a moment he turned to Clarke. “Mommy you need to call for help. This is what princesses do in stories.” Lexa only laughed and looked at Clarke.

“Yes Clarke. You need to call for help.” She looked at the blonde and smirked. Clarke only glared at her and rolled her eyes.

“Help, help. My knight please rescue me.” Clarke pretended and smiled when she saw Aden nodding in approval. Aden came closer to Lexa and took her sword.

“I burned your sword. Now you have to fight without it.” He said with a huge toothy grin on his face.

“In that case…” She smiled and brought him down to the ground before tickling him. Aden burst into laughter.

“Mom no… you can't… ple.. please” He laughed so hard and Clarke's heart only melted when she saw the scene in front of her. “Mommy… help.” He called.

“Mommy can't help you. You need to admit that the dragon is defeated.” Lexa told her son and continued to tickle him.

“Okay… okay… You win mom.” When she stopped tickling him Aden looked at Clarke and then at Lexa. “So now you need to kiss her.” Clarke's eyes went wide when she heard that. When she looked at Lexa the brunette looked just as surprised with his words.

“Buddy it's okay. Mom won and she doesn't need to do that.”

“She needs. When the knight saves the princess they always kiss at the end.” He insisted. Lexa just smiled. She hadn't felt those lips on hers in a very long time. She would be stupid if she said that she wasn't attracted to the blonde. Anyway what's a big deal. It was just a kiss.

Well… that what was what she thought. Nothing had prepared her for what the kiss would bring.


	11. This last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that you have to wait for this chapter. But I had my finals and I didn't have too much time. Now, when my semester is over I will have more time to write so I hope my updates will be more frequent.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around and for being patient.
> 
> I hope you'll like it. Enjoy!

2 hours had passed since Octavia had brought Aden to her apartment. 2 hours of deafening silence. The only sound in the whole house was the burning wood in the fireplace. Blue was meeting green every ten seconds. No one dared to speak. The fear of breaking the silence was too much. Or maybe it was the fear of a possible end. Neither of them knew which one it was. Clarke started to play with her ring on her finger. Green eyes were staring at every movement. The only thoughts in Lexa's mind were: How did we end up here? Is that how the end looks like? Do I want it to be the end? And just like that the hands Lexa precisely watched were no longer there. The weight on the other side of the couch disappeared. The echo of the steps getting further and further became unbearable. Just like that her life was slowly slipping away. The life she had been trying so hard to build. In moments like this her mind was occupied with only one question. Is it my fault? After 5 long minutes Clarke came back with an envelope in her hand. Without any unnecessary words she gave it to Lexa. The brunette looked at Clarke confused. She looked for an explanation in her eyes but the only thing she found was a pleading look. Green eyes fell on the envelope.

**19.07.2016  
To Lexa Woods**

This date… It was almost a year ago. Lexa looked again at Clarke and she was about to say something when the blonde just shook her head. Her eyes were saying: Just read. With shaking hands Lexa carefully opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper. She unfolded it and started reading.

_Dear Lexa,_

_I'm sitting here in this empty room and crying. I'm writing this letter for the 10th time I think. I lost counting after 8th. Something happened and I don't know how to tell you._

_But here I am… trying to… Yeah, trying to what? Give you the worst news in the world in a nice way? Tell you something that will destroy you in a heartbeat and being on the other side of the globe? I can't do that to you. I can't ruin you like that. You deserve so much more than this._

_I remember when I told you that I was pregnant with Aden. You were scared like hell when you heard that. You never showed that or said anything but I knew. I could see it in your eyes. You were scared of what the future could bring us when the baby would be born. You were scared that you not gonna be a good parent. You were scared of having family. But it only took you ten minutes to snap out of the shock and the smile you had on your face…. God that smile… It was everything. I've never seen you so happy in your entire life._

_Now I can't tell you I AM pregnant. I can't tell you WE ARE GONNA HAVE a baby. I can't tell you THANK YOU for making me happy again or THANK YOU for giving me the chance to have bigger family. I can't tell you any of these things._

_I can't tell you any of these things because…_

_I WAS pregnant. We HAD a baby. And I'm SORRY I can't make you happy again and I'm SORRY for taking the chance to have bigger family away._

_I know you're not gonna hate me for losing our child. I know you're not gonna stop loving me when you find out. I know you're not gonna think that this is my fault. And I know that when you're gonna find out about it you would want to come here and you're not gonna be able to. You would want to help me and you're not gonna be able to do that either. And I know you're gonna hate yourself for that. You're gonna hate yourself for not being with me and support me. You're gonna hate yourself for not being able to help me go to through that. You're gonna hate yourself because you're going to think that you are failing me in some kind of way. Because you're going to think that you're not good enough as a partner. And I can't let that happen. I can't let you to hate yourself. You are this selfless, caring, understanding, beautiful and incredible person. You are such an amazing mother. You deserve so much more than this._

_So I'm not going to send you that letter. I'm choosing not to tell you this. I'd rather you hating me for not telling you than you hating yourself for doing something what is out of your control. I'm choosing my pain if it can protect you from yours. I'm choosing your happiness over my own._

_I know that this is secret that I should not have kept. I can only hope that you'll forgive me one day. You can't imagine how sorry I am. And even though it doesn't seems like that I love you. And no matter what happens between us in the future I will love you forever._

_Yours,  
Clarke._

Lexa read this twice and now she was just looking at the paper in her hand. She was quiet. The silence between them was uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Clarke didn’t know what to think. Now she didn’t know if showing Lexa the letter was a good idea. Maybe she shouldn’t have done it. When Lexa finally directed her gaze at Clarke the blonde froze. In Lexa’s eyes she could see hurt, regret and anger. 

“You think that if you give me that letter and I read it we are going to be okay? That I’ll forget about everything?” Lexa’s voice was quiet, cold. 

“What? No… Of course not. Lexa I know I fucked up. But I want you to understand me too.” Clarke was looking pleadingly in those green eyes. 

“Three months… We were supposed to get married in three months.” Lexa said and Clarke noticed the past tense Lexa had used in that sentence. When she heard it her heart broke inside of her chest. In that moment she knew everything she needed to know.

“Just say it Lex. I won’t be mad. Just… Just say it.” The blonde didn’t want to argue with Lexa. Yes, they had agreed to talk and make some kind of decision. Together. But she didn’t want to force anything on Lexa. If she had doubts or she wasn’t sure anymore then Clarke didn’t want for Lexa to stay with her out of obligation. She loved her enough to know when to let go. After all she was the one to blame when the worst would come.

“I think we should postpone the wedding.” Lexa said quietly. The brunette was avoiding Clarke’s eyes. She was looking at everything but Clarke. She couldn’t bear to see that look of hurt in Clarke’s eyes. She knew she had probably hurt Clarke right now. But she wasn’t sure about anything. She loved her as much as she could but sometimes feelings weren’t enough. Lexa still refused to look at Clarke in the eyes. She was scared of what she might see in them. 

Clarke felt the tears gathering in her eyes. But she needed to be strong. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of Lexa. She refused to do it. She had worked so much to get to this point. To know how to deal with her emotions. Not to shut herself out again. Clarke only nodded at Lexa’s words. This wasn’t what she wanted. But she couldn’t do anything right now.

She looked at the ring that was on her finger. She kept staring at it for what felt like forever. And while staring at that ring she made a decision. It was the moment when Lexa finally looked at her. And the action in front of her was one of the most painful things she had ever seen. Clarke took off the ring from her finger and put it on the table.

“What are you doing?” Lexa watched with horror in her eyes. She didn’t know what was happening. She hadn’t canceled their engagement. So why did it feel like it was over? Why did it feet like the end of their relationship?

“This is me giving you the time you clearly need.” Clarke looked at Lexa. She looked right into her eyes and smiled slightly. But that smile wasn’t surprising for Lexa. What was surprising for her was what she saw in Clarke’s blue eyes. It wasn’t hurt, sadness or anger as she had previously assumed. What she saw in those eyes was love and understanding. She was about to say something when Clarke spoke again. 

“ I know that you feel betrayed and disappointed. Because I hurt you in the worst way possible. Eleven months ago something horrible happened and I made a decision. I lied to you and I know you don’t trust me now. And I don’t blame you. I didn’t give you that letter to justify myself. Because there is no justification for my action. I made a decision and I know it was the worst decision I could have ever made. And for that I am deeply sorry. I should have told you right away. I should have let you help me. Like you are always trying to do. After my dad died you tried to protect me from self-destruction and from all the bad feelings I had back then. I was so wrapped in myself, in my own grief that I forgot that he was like a father to you as well. I forgot that his death hurt you too. I forgot that he was also your family. I was so mean to you. I was taking everything out on you. It wasn’t fair. And I know that now. But you didn’t care about it. You didn’t care about it at all because you wanted to help me and because you wanted me to be happy again. You were so good to me. You still are. You’ve always put everyone before yourself. It is the best and the worst thing about you. And Lexa I love you for that. My love for you is strong enough not to let you destroy yourself because of my mistakes. This is the time when you need to be selfish baby. This is the time when you need to deal with everything and figure everything out on your own. It was your child too. This is the time when you can grief because I was the one who took you that right before. So this is for you.” Clarke pointed at the ring. “ You’ll give me that ring when you’re be ready. You’ll give me that ring when you trust me again. You’ll give me that ring when you are sure. Also you need to know that I won’t be angry nor mad if those things don’t happen. I’ll be here whatever you decide. I love you baby.” 

Tears were falling down Lexa’s cheeks. Clarke smiled genuinely and took Lexa’s face in her hands. She wiped her tears with her thumbs. She didn’t want Lexa to cry. But at the same time she wanted her to let go of everything, to throw all of those emotions away. Clarke knew that bottling everything inside wasn’t good. She didn’t want that for Lexa.

Lexa was looking into these ocean blue eyes. What she felt right now was mostly pain. She didn’t want this relationship to come to an end. She loved Clarke so much but at the same time she had so many thoughts, doubts. So many questions about what she was truly feeling. She couldn’t understand how this loss could hurt that much. How just the knowledge of something she hadn’t even had could hurt like that. But also she was grateful to Clarke for giving her time to figure everything out.

They were looking into each others’ eyes for quite some time. Lexa didn’t have any more tears to cry. Clarke didn’t have anything more to say. It was silent again. But this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. This time their silence was saying more than they could have ever said. Lexa didn’t know why she was doing what she was doing but she leaned and connected their lips together. The kiss was surprising for both of them. But not unwelcome. Clarke hooked her hands behind Lexa’s neck and pulled her closer. The kiss contained everything they tried to say to each other. It contained love, hurt, sadness, grief, anger, understanding, regret. All of it was there. But there was more. The way Lexa touched Clarke’s cheeks, the shaking of her hands when she cupped her face. The touch was gentle. Like she was afraid the blonde would disappear any minute. Like she was afraid that Clarke was not real. On the other hand there was Clarke. Clarke, who was pulling Lexa as close as she could. Her other arm was around the brunette’s waist. Every touch represented just how much they were missing each other. 

Lexa pushed Clarke a bit so she was laying on the couch. Lexa was above her. One hand still attached to her cheek and she was caressing the delicate skin with her thumb. The other hand was sliding on her side. The brunette started to kiss Clarke’s neck. Every kiss was delicate, tender and loving. When she got to her pulse point she bit her and soothed it with her tongue. 

“Lexa…” Clarke whispered and bit her bottom lip trying to suppress a moan. It had almost been a year since she had last felt those lips on her skin. But should they be doing it? Probably not. 

“Clarke please… this last time.” Lexa looked at the blonde with a silent plea in her eyes. “I’ve missed you.” Clarke was long lost the minute she looked at those now dark green eyes filled with adoration. 

“Take me to our bedroom.” She claimed Lexa’s lips again and kissed her with passion. Clarke licked Lexa’s bottom lip and the brunette immediately granted her access. The kiss became more and more hungry, needy. 

Lexa put her hands under Clarke’s thighs and lifted her off of the couch. Without breaking the kiss she took her to their bedroom. Just like Clarke wanted, but was it still was their bedroom? For this night it was. The brunette laid her on the bed and climbed on top of the blonde. She was resting on her elbows and forearms. Lexa kissed her again and again and again. Her other hand slipped under Clarke’s shirt. Her fingertips lightly grazing the soft skin on her stomach and ribcage. Those fingertips were sliding higher and higher. With one smooth movement she rid Clarke of her shirt and tossed it somewhere on the floor. Lexa started kissing Clarke’s neck again but this time harsher. She was biting, grazing with her teeth, sucking. Her hand traveled back down to her breast. She unclasped her bra and threw it next to the shirt. Lexa rolled her hips against Clarke’s. And Clarke didn’t stop the sounds that were coming out of her mouth. With every thrust Clarke became more and more wet. As if it was possible to get this wet. On the other hand it had been a while. And Clarke wanted this to happen. Needed that to happen. Even if it was supposed to be their last time. Lexa shifted her kisses onto Clarke’s breast. She took one nipple in her mouth and started to lick and bite and suck. Her free hand was massaging her other breast. 

“Oh God… Lex…” Clarke’s breathing sped up. She put her hand in Lexa’s hair and pulled her closer. The movement Lexa was doing with her tongue and her mouth increased Clarke’s need to feel skin-to-skin contact. So the blonde lifted Lexa’s shirt and discarded it to the floor. Lexa’s bra joined the shirt not so long after. The same happened with the rest of Lexa’s clothes. After their clothes were laying somewhere other than theirs bodies Lexa started to trail a path with her fingers along Clarke’s smooth skin. Starting from her cheek down her neck, breasts, stomach, her inner thighs and center. At the same time Lexa was kissing her neck, biting it in some places, sucking on her pulse point. Lexa knew exactly what her girlfriend’s weak spots were. And she planned on using that knowledge to her advantage. 

Every touch, every flick of Lexa’s tongue on her neck, every movement Lexa made threw Clarke on the edge of pleasure. Clarke was shivering under Lexa’s body. It had been so long since they were together, body pressed against the other’s body and she knew that if Lexa’s fingers reached their destination it would be game over for her. Clarke had her hands on Lexa’s back. Nails lightly scratching her tanned skin. She could feel Lexa grinding into her. Her hips moved forward to meet Lexa’s. She couldn’t believe how wet she was. Was it even possible to be that wet? Apparently it was. 

Clarke felt Lexa’s hips backing away. She was about to protest when Lexa’s fingers ran through her folds. Lexa could hear the loud moan that came out of Clarke’s throat. Lexa could have kept on hearing that sound over and over again. At this point Lexa was so hard. But she wanted to focus on Clarke. They had all night. They had time. She didn’t need to rush anything. Lexa dipped her finger into Clarke’s wetness and went up to her clit. She started to rub slow circles. But with Clarke’s every moan her pace sped up. 

“Fuck…. Lex, oh God….” Lexa loved when Clarke was being vocal. She loved to hear how good she made Clarke feel. 

Lexa kissed down her body. She moved her fingers and smirked when she felt Clarke’s hips chasing her to feel more friction. But very quickly her tongue replaced her fingers. At first her tongue was slow, very sensual. She traced her fingers through Clarke’s folds again but this time she slid one of them into Clarke and pushed another one a few seconds later. She went easy at first, steady rhythm. Not too slow and not too fast. Clarke’s hand was gone in that brown hair getting Lexa closer to her. 

“Jesus…. Lexa ple-please…. Don’t you fu-fucking stop….” Clarke’s moans were getting louder and louder.

Lexa started gently sucking that sensitive bud. Her tongue licked, swirled over her clit. Her fingers curled inside of her and she increased her speed. She added a third finger and it was the moment when Clarke couldn’t hold back much longer. 

“Fuuuuck! Lexa I’m gonna…. Oh my God….” Her thighs started to shake, muscles tightening, her walls were clenching around Lexa’s fingers as an orgasm washed over her body. She came hard. Screaming Lexa’s name over and over again. Lexa helped her ride down her orgasm and return with her kisses to the blonde’s mouth. After a couple of minutes Clarke looked into those green eyes trying to catch her breath. “Lex… Just give me a sec.” She whispered and stared at Lexa’s beautiful face.

“Shhhh…. I’m not done with you yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think?
> 
> Your comments and kudos keep me motivated. Love you all. :) 
> 
> Have a nice day everyone :)


	12. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is not a chapter. Sorry!

Dear people of the internet. 

I know that I didn't updated in a long time but I have some news for you. I created a blog on tumbrl where I'll be posting twice a week oneshots or some drabbles of this story and my other one. The first one is already there. 

So if you want to know more of a Clexa story then go ahead and check it out. If you have some question you can also ask me there and I'll answer. 

Also the main story stays here and I will be continuing this here.

clexamomentsinastories.tumblr.com


	13. Turning point.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning point for Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter but it is important for Clarke as a character. 
> 
> I promise you guys to update more regularly form this point.

It’s been two weeks since Clarke and Lexa decided on separation. They still lived together but Clarke moved to the guest room. She took all of her clothes and stuff from their bedroom. Now it was Lexa’s room and the guest room was Clarke’s. They didn’t talk to each other unless they were spending time with Aden or when something concerned their son. Clarke went back to work. 

There was one more thing Clarke needed to do and that was talking to her mom. She hasn’t talked to her since she came back, actually she was ignoring her. She was afraid that Abby still blamed her for her father’s death. So Clarke needed to do this sooner or later. And in this case sooner was a better option. So that’s why she was standing in front of her mother’s house.

“Clarke…” Abby said after she opened the door. She wasn’t expecting to see her daughter. “When did you came back?” Abby stepped forward and took Clarke in a tight hug.

“Hi mom.” She said and returned the hug. She wanted so badly to have that kind of greeting with Lexa and now she could lose her. She didn’t feel the tears that was streaming down her cheeks. When Abby pulled back she saw it.

“Oh Clarke… come one. Let’s get you inside.” They went inside the house and sat on the couch. “What’s going on?” 

“She’s gonna leave me mom.” Clarke said very quietly. Abby wandered if she heard her correctly.

“What are you talking about Clarke? Lexa loves you.” The older woman was trying to understand what Clarke had meant. But it wasn’t an easy task if she didn’t know the whole story.

“She blames me for it. Just like you blame me for dad’s death.” At that Abby’s eyes widened. 

“I didn’t blame you for it. Clarke it was an accident. You couldn’t have predicted it.” 

“I tried to apologize to you that day, in the hospital. And you didn’t want to hear it. You just left.”

“Oh God Clarke no… It wasn’t like that. Oh my God baby no… I didn’t blame you. Honey it wasn’t like that.” Abby took her daughter in her arms again. Clarke was sobbing at this point. “Clarke listen to me very carefully. I didn’t blame you and I don’t blame you for what happened. In that moment it was just too much. I was hurt and I was trying to hold on for you. I knew you were a mess. I knew you felt guilty. I didn’t want to hear your apologies because you didn’t have any reason to apologize. Because it was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.” Abby rocked her back and forth like a small child. 

“I’m sorry mom.” Clarke said between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know sweetheart. But it wasn’t your fault.” Abby kissed her daughter’s forehead and kept holding her. She wanted for Clarke to finally stopped blaming herself for that accident. “Now tell me what happen with Lexa?” So Clarke did. She told her everything form the start.

“I’m so afraid mom. I’m scared she’s gonna leave me. And when she will it’s going to be entirely my fault.” Clarke looked at her mother with red eyes. Abby wiped almost dry tears from her cheeks.

“She’s not going to leave you. Lexa loves you no matter what. She’s hurting right now. You kept something big from her. It takes time.” Clarke only nodded and sighed. “But don’t forget about Aden. Yes you two have a problems right now but Aden is the most important person in your relationship.”

“I know. I can’t imagine how hard it will be for him if we split.” Clarke didn’t want to imagine that he would be traveling between houses if they decided to break up.

“Stop thinking that. Focus on his happiness. Not what may or may not happen.” Clarke only nodded at those words. Her mother was right. She needed to focus on her son’s happiness. He was the most important. “Are you going to continue your therapy?” Abby asked after a moment of silent. Clarke looked at her mother.

“I don’t know. Do you think I should?” She respected her mother’s opinion. She was a far more better doctor than she was. Also Clarke wasn’t sure if she was healthy enough to stop the therapy.

“I can’t answer that question honey. It doesn’t matter what I think you should do. What matters is what you think. How do you feel after therapy? Any better?”

“I’m not sure if it’s better or not. I mean now I know how to talk about what I feel. I try not to close myself from others when I’m feeling like shit or when I have a bad days. I’m trying to enjoy and be happy because of small things like yesterday, I was with Aden playing in our yard and he spotted a flower. He brought it to me and told me that I look pretty and pretty girls deserve a flower. I mean for him it was just bringing a flower to his mother but for me… I’ve never felt so happy in my life. Or when he finally tied his shoes correctly without anyone help for the first time. I was so proud of him.” Clarke’s whole face lit up. She loved her son so much. She was so happy to have him in her life. “But of course there are some bad days when I don’t want to leave bed or just when I want to break something or just cry all day. There are days when I’m so angry with no reason. There are days I want to scream at everything because I feel so powerless, so hurt, so weak. Some days are even worse because at those days I want to give up. End this and just set everyone free from me. When those days come I feel so worthless. Like I don’t deserve any of this and the people I love deserve better that me. I almost did that when I was on my tour.” Clarke whispered the last sentence. Abby didn’t judge her, she didn’t get mad. She just looked at her with understanding.

“So I guess you have your answer.” That was all Abby told her daughter. At that moment Clarke knew. She did a huge progress but there was waiting a long way till she reached her destination that was being mentally healthy.

After a visit at her mother house she went to a graveyard. She spent two hours there. After the talk with her mom she finally forgive herself. She finally accepted that this was only an accident. She could finally look in the mirror without seeing herself as a murderer. Today was hard for her but it was also one of the most important days in her life. The one thing she wanted right now was to hug her son and listen what kind of day he had with Octavia and Lincoln. 

“Mommy!” She smiled when she heard her son’s voice. She smiled widely and kneeled so she could be face to face with him. 

“Hey buddy. Did you have fun?” She kissed him on the cheek. 

“Yes! Uncle Lincoln and I played soccer and we built a huge fort with blankets. Come on. You need to see this.” Aden was so excited he could show his mother a fort he built. He was waiting for it whole afternoon. He took her hand and started to drag her into the house. “Look. Can we make it at home?” Aden asked and pointed at the tons of blankets on the floor.

“Yes baby, we can. Now go and grab your toys I need to talk to your aunt for a moment.” Aden nodded and started to collecting his toys. Clarke looked at Octavia. “Thanks O for watching him. Did he behave?” 

“No problem Clarke and yes. You know he is a good kid. Are you okay?” Of course Octavia knew about their separation. It was hard not to when only Lexa came to dinner Octavia and Lincoln hosting and then two days later on a fundraiser for the gym Lexa was organized. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Clarke answered quickly and she knew that the younger brunette didn’t believe her. She also knew that for the last two weeks all her friends took Lexa’s side or at least it was what it seemed.

“You know you can talk to me.” Octavia tried but Clarke just shook her head.

“I’m sure Lexa told you everything that had to be said.” Blonde looked at her son who was trying to put a backpack on his back but he couldn’t reach the other strap.

“Clarke please. You know we support you too.” 

“Really O? Do I? Because for the last two weeks Raven treated me like I didn’t exist and you cancelled almost every meeting. So no Octavia. I can’t talk to you.” Clarke turned around and helped Aden to put his backpack on his shoulder and looked at Octavia one last time. “Thank you again for watching him. Take care.” And with that she left Octavia’s house and drove away. 

When they reached the house Aden was a little bit sleepy. So Clarke heated lasagna from last night. She left a piece for Lexa when she came from work. After they ate Clarke helped Aden built a fort just like she promised. She washed him and in their pajamas they settled in a fort with a books and a flashlight. 

“Okay Aden, which book you want me to read?” She showed him his three favorite books.

“This one!” He yelled excited and pointed to a book with a dinosaur on a cover. Of course it was this one. She could have predicted it. 

“Okay. Jump under the blanket and we can start reading.” He snuggled more into his mother and with genuine interest listening what Clarke was reading. Even if he heard it a million times. 

Halfway through Aden drifted away and so did Clarke. The blonde was laying on one of the pillows, her arm was around Aden who had his head on Clarkes chest. And that was the position Lexa found them when she came back from work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading and your patience.
> 
> Let me know what you think and if you have some questions hit me on Tumblr. 
> 
> Love you <3


	14. Facing the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. Hope you'll guys enjoy it :)

It was another time when Lexa was with their friends and Clarke stayed with Aden at home. Lexa told her she should come but Clarke excused herself by saying that she had a headache and she wouldn’t be a good company. So here she was sitting in a booth at the club drinking another whisky. 

“Clarke bailed on us again?” Raven asked seeing that the blonde was missing. She was the last one to come because as always she was late.

“She has a headache.” Lexa murmured and took the last sip of her third whisky glass. 

“How typical.” Raven just huffed and ordered some drink for herself.

“Shut up Raven!” Octavia couldn’t hear it anymore. Every time Raven was accusing Clarke of bailing them all when there was a reason the blonde did that. If she was in Clarke’s place she didn’t want to see them either. They were shitty friends and Octavia started to see that. 

“Excuse me? I’m not the one who is bailing on my friends over and over again.” 

“If you didn’t ignore her maybe she would be here. We bailed on her when we took Lexa’s side.” 

“I didn’t ignore her.” 

“Really? How many times have you said that you have something to do when I told you we should go to her huh? How many times did you declined her calls when she wanted to ask you to watch Aden because she had an emergency in the hospital? If that isn’t ignoring someone then I don’t know how to call it.” 

“She was the one who told me that she didn’t need me.” 

“No Raven.” This time it was Lexa who spoke. “She told you that if you were still treating her like she was made of glass then she didn’t need that kind of friend. Also you were always crossing a line and reminding her that she is a lair. But you know what? She didn’t lie to you. So it is none of your business and you don’t have right to do that.” 

“Oh my God Raven is that true?” Octavia was really mad at her. She didn’t know about it. 

“I always said sorry.” Raven looked guilty but she tried to defend herself.

“So what? It means nothing when you do that over and over again. Raven that was a low blow even for you. You can’t blame her for something she didn’t do to you.” The younger brunette said.

“I’m sorry but I just don’t know how to act around her! I don’t know how to deal with someone who had a miscarriage!” Raven said it louder than she expect it. Lexa’s eyes shut when she heard that word. She tried so hard not to think about it today. Octavia’s eyes widened because it was the first time when she heard that information.

“What are you talking about?” the younger girl was confused and then it all clicked. She looked at Lexa. “Is it true?” Lexa nodded. “Did she know she was pregnant back then?” Lexa shook her head and remained silent. “Oh my God we are bunch of assholes. Raven you are a dick and you Lexa… I’m sorry but you’re not fair.” At that Lexa clenched her jaw. 

“I’m not fair? Really? She didn’t told me about it. She hid it from me.” Lexa’s look was cold.

“Yes, she kept it to herself and you are hurt because she didn’t tell you. But look around. You have your sister, Raven, Lincoln and you had me. What about her? She has no one. She’s sitting there all alone. And she was the one who lived it, who experienced it. I know Clarke my whole life and I know that she thinks you blame her for this just as much as she blames herself. Even though she couldn’t predict it. And maybe you say you don’t but I’m sure that deep down you are blaming her because she lost a child she didn’t know she was carrying. So I’m not gonna sit here watching you moping around because she lied. But you know what? She didn’t do it. She just wanted to protect you form suffering. Yes you had the right to know but even if you did, there was nothing you could do to change what happened. So she did what she thought was right. She saved you from unnecessary pain.” Octavia grab her jacked and purse and left the club leaving Lexa deep in thoughts. 

Was Octavia right? Did she really blamed her for losing a child? Maybe she was and maybe that was the problem. Maybe unintentionally she blamed her for not taking care of herself and at the end losing their child. Maybe she really wasn’t fair to Clarke because she didn’t know the base of her anger.

 

Clarke put Aden to bed when she heard the doorbell. She was confused because Lexa was out and she couldn’t think of anyone who could come at this hour. When she opened the door she saw Octavia with a bottle of wine in her hand. That confused her even more. 

“Hey O. Lexa left two hours ago.” She told the brunette. She couldn’t think of any reason why Octavia was here. 

“I’m not here for Lexa. My best friend is hurting and I was acting like a total bitch to her. So here I am with a bottle of wine I know she loves and to show her my support.” Octavia shoot her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry Clarke. I have no excuse for how I acted.” 

“Well if you had a tacos from the Nyko’s then maybe I could forgive you.” Clarke tried to joke.

“In that moment I’m glad I know you so well.” Octavia chuckled and revealed a white paper bag with tacos in it. The blonde was touched that at least one of her friend was making the effort. Maybe she was worth something. Clarke tried to smiled but her watery eyes betrayed her. “Oh Clarke…” Octavia put her arms around her and hugged her. After a moment she let Octavia in.

She went to the kitchen for two wine glasses and plates for a food. They sat on the couch. Octavia opened the wine and poured into the glasses. They were talking about everything except Clarke’s relationship with Lexa. And she was grateful for it. She needed some kind of normal night. Just to focus about something else. Clarke looked at the clock. It was almost midnight.

“I think we should go to my room. Lexa will be back soon.” Clarke said. She was drunk and she didn’t need to have another fight with also drunk Lexa. 

“She won’t come back. I told Lincoln to bring her to our place for tonight.” Octavia smiled a little. She knew the blonde needed a quiet and free night. “Do you want to talk about it?” Octavia asked. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Clarke sighed and took another large sip of her wine.

“Okay. If you’re sure.” Octavia didn’t pushed her. She knew Clarke would talk about it when she was ready. “I think we’re out of wine. But we are far from over so what you got?” 

“I think Lexa have some whisky in the cabinet. Wait here.” Clarke stood up a bit too quickly almost falling down again. She gathered balance and went towards a cabinet with alcohols. She took whisky bottle and two small glasses. She returned on the couch and poured brown alcohol. “Cheers.” She smiled and clicked her glass with Octavia’s. 

They were half way through the bottle of whisky when Clarke looked at Octavia with tears in her eyes and sighed.

“What am I going to do if she leave’s me?” 

“You’re going to survive this. Because you are strong. But I don’t think she’s going to leave you.” Octavia said. She moved closer to her and put an arm around her.

“How can you think that? Octavia she is blaming me for this. It’s something we can’t ignore.” 

“Clarke she loves you. Even if she blames you she knows it wasn’t your fault. When she’ll understands it she’ll come around.” 

“I killed our child O! She won’t just come around!” Clarke raised her voice a little and then started crying. The truth was that the blonde needed to cry to someone. She was glad that the brunette was with her tonight. 

“Clarke it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know about your pregnancy. You can’t blame yourself because you didn’t do it on purpose.” Octavia was rubbing small circles on her back.

“I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t recognized the symptoms.” 

“Hey, look at me.” When the blonde did that’s when Octavia continued. “You didn’t do that on purpose. You were driven to help those people and you gave them everything you could. It wasn’t your fault.” Octavia shot her a genuine and small smile. She wiped tears from her cheeks.

“But I should have known.” Clarke still trying to argue with that. In her own head it was her fault. She could prevent it. 

“No Clarke. You could have known but you didn’t and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You are human and sometimes these things happened. It could have happened even though you would have taken care of yourself.” 

“I killed my baby.”

“No. You had miscarriage. Something terrible happen to you but it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for that.” 

“But she blames me for it.”

“Clarke tell me something… Would it be possible for this to happen, even if you knew you were pregnant back then? Even if you did take care of yourself?” Clarke just looked at Octavia and nodded. “Then it’s not your fault and Lexa will see it too.” She hugged the blonde and let her cry on her shoulder. 

“What if she’s not?” Clarke looked at Octavia with panic in her eyes. 

“We will think about it when it’ll happen okay?” The blonde nodded at those words. “Maybe you should stay with your mom for a while? However ironic that sound maybe you should spend some alone time.” 

“Maybe” Clarke whispered. Around 2 a.m. they both went to sleep.

 

In the meantime Lincoln took Lexa to the house. She was really, really drunk. Octavia’s words got to her and the only thing she did in the club was thinking about what she heard and drinking. But now… she was sitting on the couch in Lincoln’s livingroom. The tall guy was standing in front of her and looked at her with disappointment in his eyes. 

“Say what you need to say.” Lexa slurred. She just wanted to get this over with. 

“Why do you do this to yourself? Drinking this much? And for what? You have a son for a fuck’s sake!” Lincoln yelled at her. He knew she could forget about it in the morning but he needed to say it. He didn’t recognize his sister anymore.

“You think I don’t know that? What the fuck is your problem?” 

“My problem? I don’t know… maybe that you never drink that much in such a short time. You never bailed on your family before. You’re acting just like…” Lincoln stopped before could regret his words. Lexa however picked up on that. 

“Like who? Huh?” She was angry. She was really angry and angry and drunk Lexa was a very bad combination. “Like our father? That’s what you’re going to say?” She raised from the couch and took a step toward her brother.

“Lexa what’s going on with you? You’re never acted like that before. Tell me what happened?” He just wanted to help his sister.

“She suppose to know this. She’s a fucking doctor! It wasn’t suppose to happen.” Lexa snapped. Lincoln just grabbed her and hugged her tight.

“Shhh.. it’s okay. Lexa calm down…” He talked to her softly. Just like they were kids and Lexa was scared or freaked out. After a couple of minutes Lexa was silent and still in his arms. He hesitantly put his arms down. “Lex we both know you’re not mad at her about it. We both know you’re not blaming her for loosing your child. It could have happened even if she knew she was pregnant.”

“Then why I’m so mad all the time? It must be it. She lied to me Lincoln. She should have known.”

“Okay, good. You feel anger. What else do you feel?” Lincoln asked looking at his sister. She started naming her feelings and it was a really big step.

“Are you pulling ‘how that made you feel’ shit on me? I know you’re a psychologist but I don’t need one.” Lexa looked at her brother disapprovingly.

“I’m just trying to help. Come on Lex. Tell me what else do you feel when you’re thinking about it.” He knew that if Lexa was sober he couldn’t have talked to her about it so he was taking advantage of the moment when he could get some answers from his stubborn sister. She looked at him and then caved.

“I’m just so angry. I want to break something. I cry every night wondering how it would be if it doesn’t happened. I’m just sad.” Lexa started crying. Lincoln put his arms around her again and smiled. Lexa needed to talk about it. Even if she was drunk. “I’m just confused.” 

“Confused?” Lincoln furrowed her brow and looked at her. “Why?”

“I just don’t get it. I don’t get how I just feel so strong about loosing something that I’ve never really had.” Lexa broke in that moment. Lincoln sat with her for the whole time till she calmed down.

“So you’re not angry at Clarke. You also not blaming her. You blame the world that it took something from both of you. And if you feel like that imagine how Clarke must feel.” 

Lexa didn’t think about it like that. Truth be told she never blamed Clarke for what happened even though it could seem like that. In that moment Lexa sobered momently. In her head appeared fight from yesterday. 

_One day earlier_

_Clarke had day-off. She was sitting on a couch and watching some show on Netflix while Aden was playing on the floor. Lexa was late as always. Since they decided to have a little break, coming from work took Lexa more time that it used to. Even though Clarke wasn’t surprised, it still hurt. She knew that it might take them some time until they came to sort of confirmation where they wanted to take their relationship but she had a hope that Lexa wouldn’t have ignored her that much._

_Few minutes passed until Clarke could hear the ringing of the phone. She picked up the phone confused because she didn’t expect a phone call this day._

_“Hello?”_

_“Hi. My name is Finn Collins. I’m calling because I wanted to inform you that the first practice will be next weekend instead of this weekend.” Clarke didn’t know what was going on._

_“I’m sorry but what practice? What are you talking about? Are you sure you called the right number?”_

_“Are you Lexa Woods?”_

_“No. She’s my girlfriend.”_

_“Well Ms. Lexa Woods sign her son to the team two days ago. The first practice supposed to be this weekend but unfortunately we need to postponed it.” Clarke hearing that started to wondering why Lexa didn’t told her about it. She signed him two days ago so it’s a lot of time to pass the information._

_“Oh yeah. I remember now. Well thank you for information.” She didn’t want to sound uninformed so she went with it. After quick goodbye she put the phone down and get back to the couch. She looked at her son. “Aden, baby. Do you want to play soccer?” Aden’s face lit up instantly._

_“Yes!!! Mom and me played soccer and she told me that if I want to be in a team she talk with this man… I don’t remember the word…” Aden pouted but Clarke was quick to help him._

_“You mean the coach?”_

_“Yeah. So mom talked to the coach and I’m on the team. I have a pra… pr… What is the word mommy?”_

_“Practice baby.” She smiled genuinely at him._

_“I have practice Saturday.” Aden was very happy._

_“Coach Collins just called. He needed to postponed the practice to another weekend.” Aden’s chin started to tremble a bit when he heard those words but Clarke quickly add. “But don’t worry. I’m sure your mom take you to the field and play with you.”_

_Later that day Clarke took Aden to his friend’s house Ontari for a sleepover they had scheduled with her parents. When she came home Lexa was on the couch with a beer in her hand. The blonde couldn’t help but feel angry when she saw the brunette. It was the third time when Lexa hid some information. She sighed and went to the kitchen. Clarke waited a bit to see if Lexa was going to tell her that she sign Aden to the soccer team but after an hour Lexa still stayed silent. Clarke stood in front of the brunette successfully covered the screen of the TV. Lexa looked annoyed at Clarke._

_“Can you move? I don’t see anything.” Green eyes watched carefully the blue one’s. Clarke ignored her words._

_“Is there anything you want to tell me?”_

_“Not that I know of.”_

_“So you just thought that I shouldn’t know that you sign up Aden to the soccer team?” Lexa’s eyes widened at that. She totally forgot about that._

_“Clarke I-“ Lexa started but Clarke stopped her by rising her hand._

_“No Lexa! This is the third time when you’re not telling me things. I’m not saying you should start and talk to me because I can see clearly that you don’t want to do that and I’m not expecting you too but Aden is my son too. He is my kid too. I have a right to know this kind of things.” The brunette got angry at those words. Did Clarke really tell her that? What about her? She had right to know some stuff too._

_“Now you know how I feel.” Lexa murmured under her nose._

_“What did you say?” Clarke asked._

_“Now you know how I feel.” Lexa said louder. “It was my child too. I had a right to know that too. You supposed to know that you were pregnant. You supposed to tell me that.” Lexa snapped, but it took only one look in Clarke’s eyes and she regretted it immediately. “Clarke… I’m sorry” The blonde only shook her head._

_“I’m going to stay with my mom for the night.”_

_“Clarke… Please… ” Lexa looked at Clarke’s back as she was walking to her room. Moment later the blonde was walking towards the front door with a small bag. “Clarke wait.” Lexa stood up from the couch but the blonde was out the door and got in to the car. Lexa watched Clarke drove out of the driveway. She went back home and slammed the door with full force. “FUCK!!!_

 

Lexa remembered that looked Clarke had. There was hurt, sadness, shame, disgust for herself in those eyes. Now she understand how much she hurt the one person she loved the most.

“Oh my god! What did I do…” Lexa stood up abruptly. “I need to go. I need to talk to her. Apologize to her.” Lexa was ready to leave when she felt Lincoln’s hand on her wrist.

“You can’t. You’re drunk, she is drunk. Get some sleep. You can talk to her tomorrow.” Lexa just looked at him confused but a few seconds later she nodded. Lincoln had right. She should sleep and get sober.

When Lexa came back home the next day there was really quiet there. 

“Clarke? Aden?” Nothing. Just silence. She checked Aden’s room but there was no one there.  
“Maybe she took him for a walk?” She wondered out loud but she couldn’t get rid of a feeling that something it’s not right. 

She went to Clarke’s room. It was clean. Bed was made, not a single cloth on the chair which was odd. Clarke had a habit to leave her clothes on the chair. A really scary thought ran through her mind. Lexa went towards the closet and opened it with shaking hands. There was nothing in there. She checked the rest of the drawers. Nothing. 

“No, no, no…” She run to the bathroom. There wasn’t any of Clarke’s cosmetics either. Lexa was devastated. Did Clarke just left her?

She went to the kitchen and saw a piece of paper on the friedge.

_My dear Lexa._

_I know it isn’t easy for you. I know because it isn’t for me either but I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that I can live with you under one roof and not feeling like I’m the big failure. I know I hurt you deeply. I see that disappointment in your eyes every time you looked at me and I just can’t take it anymore. I love you and I’ll always will but I can’t live with you anymore. Not when we’re like this._

_I will stay with my mom for some time. I took Aden with me because I couldn’t leave him there all by him self. I know that he suppose to live with our house so you can take him back when you’re sober enough to drive. We can work out how to take care of our son leaving separately._

_Love,  
Clarke._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So let me know what you think. You can always hit my tumblr with some questions or just whatever :) 
> 
> Have a nice day everyone :)


End file.
